Wavering
by Crystallia Silver
Summary: I put my hope of learning something more, something more meaningful, in your hands. Ludwig/Naoji. Complete
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: The time setting of this fic is after the events of the second season of the anime (Meine Liebe Wieder). The idea for this story was born from the personal conclusion that despite their wealth, the Strahl candidates won't necessarily live the life they want, mostly because they are trapped in their roles. I believe this also goes for many people of today.

Wavering

/ Naoji's pov /

I am on the losing side. This is what I feel when I stand under the daylight, thinking of the distance that has been created between us. I am telling you that I do all I can but it's not enough, it won't help... I crumble inside at the thought that all my fantasies, if they remain unfulfilled, they will turn against me and devastate the little paradise I built without your consent.

I am on the losing side. I am running out of means to bring you back, the walls all around you are too high and I am still looking for a hidden route or an open door that will lead us outside the trapped requisitions of our backgrounds. I continue to fight for the sake of an untamed love which, through the eyes of those who doesn't know, looks sick and pointless. Am I lost in a lie?

I am on the losing side. Because time doesn't wait and the world can move on even if my heart empties like an injured vein... yet, I would like to be here and see if I can do something to stop it but the wind of conjunctures will encircle me and guide my body to the road that I am destined to walk. I know it will happen while you will stay and win, as the courageous warrior you are. Nothing is going to break you.

I am on the losing side. Because when all the tears pour out, it will be too late for all that I expected and wanted for us, but you won't become aware of it. For the moment, I relive the times when you still allowed yourself to gaze into my eyes and smile, talk to me, touch me and breathing in deeply as I whispered to you, _aishiteiru_, a word that sounded so mysterious to you, yet so familiar.

Lui...

You leave your prints upon me. Your words, your way of thinking, your silence, the trust you have showed me and the mark of your lips on my skin... I have them all here with me. You know that, don't you?

Your name and whatever your title carries hinders my path towards you. Sometimes I ask myself how we let ourselves believe in one of the most beautiful dreams and where did that power go... and I wonder if you knew beforehand that it was in vain but preferred to deny that for as much as you endured.

As for me, until I fall with my heart distilled, I will savour the taste of a dreamlike victory- the joy of being with you.


	2. Chapter 2

Wavering

/ Ludwig's pov /

I know what _aishiteiru_ means. I understood it from the way you pronounced each syllable and realized that the word, as a whole, was only for me, for what you were feeling- love.

Don't ask why I didn't answer you immediately. It was a mistake that even this moment, I wish I could correct it, turning back time, and do what I should have. It's not possible. I believe that if we lived twice only then we could truly reconsider our decisions, focus our attention on the things or people that hold high importance that we missed to see -and I don't mean their origin and status- not due to indifference, but because of ignorance, lack of wisdom or bravery.

It's not like I didn't have a choice, I admit it. I could trust myself and my passion instead of wondering what's wrong with me... perhaps, then, things would be more difficult for us but at least we would remain true within our insecurity and sin...

_Sin..._

I was nurtured in an environment where the expression of love, in any form, was nothing more than a covering, a hollow basis for establishing a relation with people who could strengthen social profile and political prestige. It was nothing more than a responsibility to the family, without the heart's involvement. I never confessed to anyone how heavy this cross has been for me. I had accepted the burden.

Then you came and tried to change that. You tried to free my feelings. When I noticed you, from the first, quick glimpse I thought you had the power to challenge me to re-examine my life. Perhaps what also conduced to this belief was the fact that you came from a very distant country, so distant from mine that in my perception is almost seen as a mythical place, another world... I guess I put my hope of learning something more, something more meaningful, in your hands.

Naoji...

But when the ravishing thrill of your desire and clear and comforting tenderness were about to plunge me completely into the fire like a sword that needs to get rid of rust, the doubts, awakening shadows from the past, took over me.

I turned my back on you to face the world. It feels like it's already late because if I let you come to me, you are going to lose your way.

I am afraid that if I embrace you now, nothing will be as it should have. But what scares me most is that I continue to stick to logic while I know that my heart, in the end, will avenge me.


	3. Chapter 3

Wavering

The first days of March had arrived at the island of Kuchen and though it was still the beginning of spring, that morning was unusually and pleasingly warm, showered with light and a soft breeze that glided through the greenery of trees in the large, outer grounds of the Academy.

Eduard hesitated to proceed further and thought it was wiser to remain where he stood so that his presence wouldn't interrupt the concentration of his classmate who was in the middle of training in japanese fencing. He watched him with deep attention and he was most impressed by the trainee's apparent awareness of all his limbs and the complete control over each joint and muscle. There was an unquestionable exactness in the bending of arms, a harmonization with the wooden sword that made it appear like an inseparable part of the rest of the body and a simultaneity of arms and legs, throughout every small or prolonged movement... even in the way he executed a series of attacks and defencive stances, Naoji had condensed a certain rhythm divided in two particular versions: tense and powerful, and flexible with a sense of ease. It was much like reading and interpreting a musical stave which is always bordered by a very specific tempo and scale. Ed never had imagined before this could be possible with the body and a weapon, so artfully.

After Naoji completed a long set and once he took a deep, relaxing breath he eventually noticed Ed from afar, under the shade of trees and waved at him to come closer.

" I have been stalking you for a while but I hope it didn't disturb you. I really have to say that you possess great technique."

" I did not realize you were there there until the moment I stopped." Naoji said and added smiling, " You are very kind, but today I didn't feel it was a very good training. Some of my moves were passive, as if I couldn't maintain my focus during the whole exercise. I sure need more work."

" What you say didn't really show but you must know better." Ed pondered and after an instant of silence, he gave Naoji an uncertain look. An awkwardness became visible on his face and in small, indefinite gestures. " Well, I came to tell you that I think we have forgotten something... basically, I don't know about the others, they might already told you but I certainly didn't..."

" About what?" Naoji asked, being totally unaware and unsuspected.

" Hm, your birthday... wasn't it four days ago?" Ed spoke anxiously.

His friend blinked in surprise and when he understood what bothered Ed, he chuckled genially, " No, you didn't miss it. My birthday is in one week." His expression was obscured by a vague frown as he gazed away. " It is also the day I arranged to begin all the necessary preparations for my departure for Japan as I know it's going to take time."

" What?!" Eduard cried with manifest wonder. " Since when were you planning it? I mean, recently or..." He wasn't sure how to continue so he let his companion solve his query.

Naoji lowered his head and didn't say anything for a long moment, which almost seemed to him like a whole hour. It was kind of funny, but he realized that he hadn't clear out the answer to himself either. " There have been times when I was thinking to return after the completion of my studies but..." He remembered then, that his parents hoped he would stay permanently in Kuchen so that he wouldn't have to endure the coming, political crisis in his country and this piece of memory made him shut his eyes and shake his head in deny. " But there were also moments and reasons that encouraged me to see this kingdom as a second homeland, my new home. I felt like this because... I have been really happy here."

" Are you not, right now?" The fellow Strahl asked seriously.

The Japanese student turned and walked slowly towards the direction of the dorms, having his friend by his side, " Things are more complicated than a simple answer." He responded in a low voice.

Ed became worried, " I just hope it isn't some problem with school or your family in Japan."

" Fortunately not. It is something more... personal."

" I cannot press you but think about this..." He stopped for a moment and faced Naoji, " At least try to be here until the day of swearing-in ceremony. It wouldn't be proper to leave without taking the oath. I don't know the details but it has to be important."

" It is scheduled for June, isn't it?" Naoji asked wearily.

" Yeah, that's what I have heard."

Naoji looked forward and the two resumed their pace. " Until then, it is very likely that the Liechtenstein family will have settled the betrothal of their son." He said in an alienating speech with no clear emotion in his voice.

Ed nodded, " It seems that Ludwig can't escape the will of his parents to arrange a marriage with a political effect as quickly as possible. I really think this is bad but unavoidable most of the times. Ludwig hasn't completed his studies yet and, in addition..." He continued with lower voice as they entered the inner yard where several students were walking around, " Wouldn't it better if he were the one to choose with whom he would like to share his life? Sure, he belongs to one of the most prestigious families of the island and he is related to the king but... it can't be always what one _must_ do but also what one _wants_, don't you think?"

" All I know is that Lui didn't offer resistance. He accepted or rather tolerated his fate." The tone of his voice was abrasive as he uttered these phrases.

" Naoji...?"

The other student sensed that their talk was about to lead to a dangerous direction and felt like he should withdraw. " Sorry I need to go. I'll see you later."

He strode off towards his room and went to wash his body. "_ I shouldn't have started this conversation. No one needs to become involved, I must support myself, on my own._" He was incessantly thinking, but the warm water rolling upon his tired muscles and the exercise that preceded helped him face more calmly the apprehensive thoughts. "_ No... I am not alone in this situation, Lui is the other person I have to support. He has been constantly there, filled with patience to encourage me when I truly need to. And I know that he loves me. Since my fight isn't over and while I am still standing, I ought to keep searching for a margin to let hope breath. Even when I fall, I know well in what sort of way I want it to be... proud and full of love."_

Naoji followed the principles of the warrior not only while practising kendo but in every aspect of his life as well. He had decided that he preferred to suffer an utter defeat, fighting for a meaningful cause, than to surrender. He was determined to use even the smallest drop of his power and inspiration like he would have done in real battle.

He got dressed and checked the time. Ludwig finished classes at early afternoon and around the time he returned, he liked drinking the tea that Naoji made for him. So it was unavoidable that they were going to see each other that day, still, several hours intervened until that moment. Since he didn't have another lesson to attend for the rest of the day, Naoji decided to keep himself busy with an assignment that was left unfinished.

While searching some papers on his desk, a large folder slipped from the edge from the table and fell on the carpet. Naoji rose from his sit to pick the folder up and looked at it for a moment, trying to recall its content. He finally opened it and found texts and short poems he had written in his spare time both in his native tongue and german, the dominant language in Kuchen. There was something more that caught his attention.

A colourful picture.

" _Etude in red and black._

_- Orpherus._"

This was written on the back of the image. Orpherus had made a few experimental designs for a theme he once needed to prepare for the art class and the picture that Naoji had in his possession- given by the artist after hearing how much his friend liked it- was among the advanced ones.

Naoji didn't realize it immediately but his gaze was thoroughly captivated by the abstract piece, observing the multiple, sensitive hues of deep red, how they intertwined and mixed into each other as if there was an unseen whirlpool, as well as the black strokes breaking the dominion of the warm colour.

And without being able to explain or restrain it, a peculiar sense of coming disquiet in the form of a sudden, inward explosion forced his pulse beat to pounce hard on the inner side of his arteries, like a wave crashing against steep rocks.


	4. Chapter 4

If you can, please send some feedback.

Wavering

Slender fingers slid gently underneath the large, lovely blossom of the hibiscus, touching it with care as if it were likely to break with a simple touch. The soft, yellow petals combined with the deep red core created a fascinating contrast and it wasn't by chance that this particular flower caught the man's attention, among the other hibiscus of different colours. Despite its beauty, this one was leaning slightly towards the earth, like a face of a disappointed person.

" You are suffering, aren't you, Lui?"

From the point where Camus stood, it was hard to discern whether his friend had lowered his eyelids or frowned, as a primary response to what he had just heard. He wondered if Ludwig would succumb to the truth of his feeling this time, instead of keeping it captive inside the strictness of his silence.

" The flowers gave you such information?" The imposing student asked, without any sign of irony in his voice, while still looking at the hibiscus.

" Um, that was hardly necessary."

" I see." Ludwig uttered and descended the few stairs that leaded to the centre of the greenhouse, approaching Camus. " Perhaps I should say that I don't torment my mind more than Naoji. He is the one who is being tough to himself."

Camus gave him a questioning look. Not puzzled, just questioning. His reaction brought an illogically triumphant smile to Ludwig's face that eventually turned into words of sad cynicism. " Naoji wants me to believe that I am able to keep everything, that nothing will harm him in the end. He doesn't see that because of my flaw in my emotions, this is impossible. Fortunately there is a part in his conscience that dictates him to be saved, before he loses his way. And I am really counting on it."

" Lui, you have no idea how much this disturbs me. If I didn't have the ability to sense your feelings, what you really experience inside... it wouldn't be so painful." He sighed and tried to regain control of his voice before he proceeds. " It's terrible... when you attempt to deny your true wish."

" I simply do not let my feelings drown me."

" What do you hope to achieve with that?"

" Balance."

" Are you sure?"

" I will have to choose another similar tactic, if this one fails."

The last phrases seemed like a fencing duel. As a master of this fighting art, Ludwig repelled Camus' disbelief swiftly, without being pinned against the corner. At least this was how it appeared to him.

Camus withdrew for a moment to fetch the watering-can for the roses and then checked the weakened hibiscus that Ludwig noticed a while ago.

" We saw each other today." The thoughtful man spoke, without being sure why he needed to say that. " He made the tea I like after I finished class, although I didn't request it. He stayed and, kept me company..."

Hearing his fellow Strahl musing aloud, Camus smiled and shook and his head, " Now I am sure."

" That I am right about what I said earlier?"

" No, Lui... Naoji does what he feels is right while you are forcing yourself to give more importance to the imperfections of what you can't fully admit."

" Imperfection isn't an essence that it should be overlooked." Ludwig said solemnly. He moved towards the bench with a slightly unstable pace, as if he was suddenly seized with fever.

The peaceful Strahl became aware of his companion's violent change of mood and hurried to his side.

" I am here." He said as he sat next to him.

Ludwig raised his head slowly and murmured words ascending in tension and seemed like he was addressing them to an invisible person. " Do you know how it feels to want to hold someone tightly, so much, that you have the impression that your bodies have always been one, and then kiss that person, so fiercely, until you let the very last trickle of breath come out to join that of the other's?"

**Two hours earlier...**

Ludwig wasn't sure whether the gentle rustle of tress creeping through the open window or the discreet knock on the door had woken him up. The sound of a key entering the lock followed, but it didn't worry him. There was only one person who possessed a duplicate of the key of his room.

He sighed, not opening his eyes yet. He had fallen asleep with his clothes... right, as soon as he returned from class and touched the bed, sleep overcame him. "_ I_ _must have really needed it after a whole night of restlessness. Those thoughts kept me wakeful_..."

He rolled over to the opposite side, towards the edge of the bed and sensed the very careful touch of a hand placing aside a lock of hair that hid his face.

" Naoji."

In response, the fingers curled slowly and the hand withdrew. There was no embarrassment printed on Naoji's movements and his eyes were filled with deep affection, causing Ludwig's insides to start up.

" Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb your rest."

" Hm, don't fret over it." Ludwig commented, managing to hide a smirk that nearly emerged with the absolute certainty that his companion was so eager to see him that he wouldn't really let a small, insignificant doubt to stop him from doing what he wanted. " I see you have brought tea." He said as he sat up and combed some tangled hair with his fingers.

" Yes." Naoji answered and rose from the kneeling position and headed towards the table. Ludwig's eyes narrowed slightly as he gave him a probing look before he followed his mate, as if he was calculating some sort of plan inside his mind. A shade of dismay traversed his gaze then, but Naoji didn't notice it as he turned to him, " Lui, is it alright if I share a cup with you?"

" You can do as you please."

" Thank you."

Naoji poured some tea into the two cups, offering the first to Ludwig. The way his hands moved during this simple procession, made it appear like he was performing a rite. Ludwig liked to watch him but this time his focus was centered on attempting to imagine what Naoji could be thinking on that moment.

" _But in what way could that be of any use? If I tried to explain him that the destiny of many people like me, is to follow the strict conventions of a faceless system that, nevertheless, I aim to change, would he accepted it?_" Ludwig thought as he brought the cup close to his lips, inhaling the fine aroma, as he always liked to do before the first sip. He turned towards the opposite direction, averting his gaze from his fellow Strahl whose face had a calm, yet very mysterious expression." _I cannot pretend that I don't belong to this world. Still, on the other hand, how can I believe that I don't care about the person who gives meaning to the beating of my heart?_"

The sight of Ludwig being aloof and wrapped into a seemingly impenetrable silence may looked discouraging, but Naoji wasn't afraid and had no intentions of remaining inactive. After a few minutes he rested the cup that continued to steam, on the table.

The taciturn Strahl noticed the vague impulse on Naoji's body, like he was about to do something that it couldn't be easily predicted or anticipated as well as the sudden sparkle in the depths his eyes. He withdrew from his sit slowly without showing nervousness, holding the cup with both hands and stood close to the large window, gazing outside.

Like in training with weapons, Ludwig usually waited for Naoji to make the initiating move and then act accordingly.

He felt it. That adored caress, soft and captivating, sliding easily across his long hair like a dewdrop upon a thin leaf and his hands touching his arms like melting ice, making the receiver's skin quiver slightly under the white, cotton sleeves. Inviting him to react, to respond.

He didn't reject it but neither let a murmur of love reach Naoji, as an answer. He remained still, not forgetting to await for the moment that he would have to stop his secret beloved, before all control was lost.

The hands stopped, resting lightly on the man's shoulders. Ludwig almost felt the other Strahl fumbling the words behind his lips.

" Lui." He whispered quietly.

" Tell me what you want. Naoji." Ludwig said, without turning around yet.

" Why must you keep your distance when you have been the one nearest to my heart and body all along?" His voice as he spoke, was in his usual volume. " Aren't you the only person with whom I have shared the longest conversations, the deepest feelings? Lui... am I not who made love with you and cherished every kiss and touch you offered which sealed my devotion to you? Tell me, do you want me to abandon and forget all these?"

Ludwig took a long sip of his tea and let a few moments roll by before he gives his answer.

" I want you to be saved."

Naoji's absolute silence was a cue that he was waiting, silently _demanding_ to hear more. " If you stay with me, you will be facing despair each day of your life. I am not free, I am rather a person who has too many obligations and if I try to stray from my road, I may become someone that you won't like to be with. The balances are too fragile. You can either forgive me or condemn me for my fate and my unwise craving for learning something deeper and more meaningful, from you."

Naoji's gaze softened as his eyelids lowered a little. " I believe it is possible to have everything you want. Your plans for the future, the duty to your family and all that you already possess and wish to keep."

His hands fell from Ludwig's shoulders as the listener walked a few steps away, continuing not to turn his body towards Naoji.

" You delude yourself." The man replied sharply.

The thorn of doubt roused the sense of insecurity inside Naoji's mind but he didn't give into the masochistic temptation to ask Ludwig if he was still interested to be with him.

Naoji breathed in and exhaled slowly. His voice was clear and full of energy as he finally spoke, " Lui, there is only one place and time in which we are able to love each other freely and that is death."

Perhaps, the very essence and depth of the last word forced Ludwig to turn around and face the passionate Strahl. After their eyes locked, Naoji added, " Is that what you are waiting?"

" Maybe." Ludwig answered. A shadow covered one side of his figure as he bent over the table to lay his cup there.

_Maybe._

It was like that silent, rapid slash in japanese fencing that renders the opponent unable to go on with the fight or defend himself further. Naoji couldn't explain otherwise how he felt the strength of his voice abandoning him although he tried to resist it, to remain there, to...

An undefinable, yet fierce instinct urged him to head towards the exit, while being completely conscious of his heart pounding on his chest. He reeled as he came closer to the door and quickly supported himself, gripping the back of a chair nearby. Then he heard his own voice saying fervently, " I cannot wait until then. It's... impossible to live like this! How can you let yourself think that life cannot bear our sincerest wants?"

Naoji was so agitated by his emotion that he didn't notice immediately that he had said these phrases in his native tongue. Ludwig mustn't have understood anything.

No. Even for this, Naoji wasn't fully certain. He remembered when he once confessed to Ludwig that he loved him, using words in japanese and it still seemed to him like the receiver had captured the meaning, he always sensed his words, even his silence...

The comparison between that touching moment with the current circumstance weighed with the fear of loss, had paralyzed him.

His legs refused to obey and take him outside the room, so, after a few faltering steps, the Strahl was forced to collapse on his knees. The worst was that he couldn't stop the tears that began to fall incessantly. He only managed to lower his head so that his hair would hide his face.

He knew he had to be away from there, but for the moment he couldn't do anything except of trying hard to fight the tears back.

" Naoji."

The voice and the small distance of its source, startled Naoji. He felt so vulnerable.

However...

Ludwig had knelt near him, next to him, with his arms wanting to wrap him close to his heart, but they didn't proceed to a touch, as if he feared this would hurt him more. His soft, warm breathing was reaching the Japanese Strahl and the affecting sensation incited him to take a short, discreet look. Though it was a only quick glance, Naoji could tell that he had never seen that expression of clear sadness on Ludwig's eyes before...

A caress gathered the tears from the downcast face and a different hand held Ludwig's, before it moves away. The grip was loose enough so if the carrier of the comforting touch wanted to withdraw the hand, he could do it.

He didn't.

Ludwig's voice had lowered to a whisper, clear and intense, as though he was confiding an important secret. " You ought to be aware there is not such a hard thing for me than to know, it's not enough."

" What...? What is not enough, Lui?" Naoji asked in the same, soft tone, filled with sheer impatience.

" To love you."

/ I hope that you 're enjoying the story so far. /


	5. Chapter 5

I don't know the names of Lui's parents (but they are not mentioned in the anime, right?) so I used fictional names that I think they suit them.

Wavering

_**When I am with you, it feels like home.**_

This phrase exactly was hidden behind the foreign letters and through their complicacy, those charming characters represented a lively meaning that became known to the reader by the author who possessed the power to bridge inside him two different worlds.

The message could be seen on the opposite side of an old photo that Ludwig had with him. It showed them, Naoji smiling contently, as if all the worries he bore from the past had dispersed, while Ludwig was frowning a little because the strong daylight had tired his eyes.

He had been holding the picture for a seemingly inconsiderable amount of time, looking at it like someone who is trying to investigate whether what he sees in front of him is true or an illusion, a trace of dream that lingered on the sphere of reality. In the end, he placed it back, between the pages of a book he carried.

The piano room was quiet and a cool, happy breeze, heavy with the scent of flowers of the garden, had entered like a discreet visitor through the open balcony door.

Ludwig left the book on the glossy table and walked towards the piano. He appeared as if he was searching for something to hold on to now that he by himself, something to keep him some company, and music seemed like a good option.

He opened the textbook with the musical scores and began studying a piece in a slow tempo, trying to follow precisely what he was reading. He repeated a few parts so that he could achieve the best performance and then continued, being more focused.

But even during this moment, with his mind being absorbed in a complex melody, part of his attention was slipping back to that person who still believed in a fairytale with good ending despite his full awareness of the black and white laws which dominated their lives...

As he was still practising, Ludwig tried to experience more deeply the gravity and severity that characterized the pieces in minor scale, which he had always preferred better. He paused for a short while to relax and once he started to play the piece again, hoping he wouldn't make a mistake, he saw his mother standing close the door. Her presence didn't distract him and Ludwig also found that it actually pleased him that she was there.

The mother approached quietly and after she stopped behind him, her hand touched the son's hair softly while he played a drear part, as if she wanted to comfort a real sorrow and then she sat in an armchair.

After the melody ceased through a series of calm notes, the serene voice of his mother, Ann, echoed in the room, " This song is so much...like you. It's like how I felt when I was endeavouring for hours to bring you to the light. You began struggling inside my body when the sun was rising slowly until deep night, that night in the very heart of winter on 12 November."

" A whole day... I don't recall hearing this from you before, but it sounds like I had given you a rough time, mother." Ludwig said in a serious tone as he lowered the lid of the piano. " You had to go through a great pain so that I would exist."

" You don't need to think about it in that manner. All I cared about was you. Nothing else in the world. Just you." She said with affection and confidence in her voice. " Pain isn't always a destructive wave that has to be avoided at all costs. It can also help you learn something and reveal the good heart of those who are and can be kind to you. I believe, it is worst when you experience emptiness."

" Mother."

" I didn't feel fear, not even for a small moment when I was giving birth to you, nor I broke after I did." She raised her head and looked affectionately at her son as he stood near her. " So what is it that you try to keep inside you, what kind of burden that you worry that if you share it with me, I won't stand its weight?"

Deep respect together with a warm kind of appreciation were what Ludwig could feel for his fragile-looking mother. " Absolutely nothing I cannot face." He paced around slowly and stopped once he felt ready to continue again, " I need to think over again what you said about pain. I don't fear it, but to surpass it, it is necessary to use as much wisdom and rationalism I can muster. One must define and distinguish what he can give and what he can sacrifice to the world and to himself."

" My warrior has always knew how to raise his impenetrable shield to cover the core of his wonderful heart." Ann uttered gently to herself after hearing the words of her son. " But since I haven't come to threaten you, tell me, do you feel concerned about your father's plan for your marriage?"

" It is also a subject that I continuously think about. But no matter how much I do, there is still an uneasiness in me that keeps me away from experiencing the fine feeling of knowing this is the only path, the only right decision."

" Whatever decision you make, I want you to understand that I am on your side. I have no reason to stand against you."

Mother and son looked in each other's eyes. Ludwig felt the sincere gaze of his mother trying to pierce through the surface, to gain awareness of his weaknesses, his wants, what hurt him the most. For one moment, he almost became persuaded that she could do that, because she was strong, and this notion nearly startled him.

" The two of you never disagreed." The father's voice was heard as he entered and from his phrase, it appeared that he had heard Ann's last words.

Ludwig observed his father attentively as someone who is intending to measure the power of the opposing force in battle.

" I received a letter from Sir Edgar Hopkins the other day. He is eagerly awaiting to know what you are thinking about his proposal and to hear our answer."

" _Our_ answer?" Ludwig pointed blankly. " If I recall well, I am the one who is still sceptic about this collaboration, while you have already given your positive reply and now you await for my agreement."

His father smiled mysteriously.

" Is that the reason you requested me to come?" Ludwig spoke again after a prolonged silence.

Philip shook his head. " Admiral Hopkins is a significant man. A strong personality with an ambitious spirit, hard-working and dedicated just like you, Ludwig. He commands the navy of his country and he is also involved in water trade. His daughter Renée, is a particularly gifted person, beautiful and well-cultured. You remember her, are you not?"

" We met when you invited the family a few months ago." Ludwig replied casually, crossing his arms.

Philip glanced at his wife and then said to his son, " She's an ideal partner for you, Ludwig. The best. Renée also feels very interested about you, this is what her father hinted to me. It is a great chance that must not be lost."

Ann noticed the expression of her son and she suddenly felt a nervousness rising inside her. Although it wouldn't be clear to someone who didn't know Ludwig well, it appeared to her that the younger man was about or wanted to protest.

" Why do you consider it a priceless chance, father?"

" There is no better ally outside the boundaries of this island. He is a renowned officer and in case of war you know you will have someone capable to count on, someone that no other family will have here in Kuchen."

" He is from England, isn't he?"

" Yes." Philip said and sat comfortably on the couch.

" Then it's a risk."

" Why?" He asked calmly.

" If a new war ensues, it is very possible that we will be forced to have the same enemies, subverting in that way Kuchen's policy to maintain neutrality."

His father shook his head in thought and sighed, " Ludwig, I sincerely believe that the idea of keeping a neutral attitude will prove just a comforting fantasy. It is unavoidable that we will be pressed, perhaps in violent ways, to choose sides and for that reason I am asking you to think carefully. Kuchen is not an invincible state on its own; Let us not flatter our vanity."

Ludwig experienced the sudden need for a beverage- it didn't matter whether it would be a herb tea or a strong alcoholic. Well, he couldn't do anything about it for the moment, because there was no place for storing drinks nearby.

" So, my marriage is going to play such an important role for the good of this country. Has the king given his approval?"

" Of course."

Ann saw that her son was uneasy and decided to intervene, " What are you thinking, Ludwig?"

The Strahl gave his mother a reassuring look and then faced his father again, " Father, what would you say if I asked you to trust me? You are already aware of my attainments in studies and you should know that I am ready to work hard, without requiring to have others at my back. Have I not proven that I can protect my family counting on my strength?"

" You have." Philip said and leaned slightly forward as he continued, showing his son that he wanted to pay close attention to him, " It's logical to feel unbeatable because of your spirit and young age but there are some things you will encounter that your own ammunition alone won't be enough. You need good allies so don't neglect the perspective of your marriage. I must also remind you that time presses us; I worry that if you show hesitation or deny, Hopkins might seek to engage his daughter with another outstanding student from Rosenstolz, your fellow Strahl Orpherus."

Ludwig's eyelids lowered in thought, " There's something about it that really disturbs me and it's not about Orphe... it's just that I don't like to be an option among others. I am a very selfish person and the one who is going to be my partner for all life, must have eyes only for me." There was nothing deceiving or hypocritical hiding in those words.

" Then claim her. Show that she is fitting only for you."

" It's..." The young man began to speak but his voice faded.

" My son, if you want to say something, you should let us know." His mother encouraged him.

Ludwig stared for a moment at his hazy reflection upon the ceramic, black surface of the piano before he go on, " It's trivial, but I admit I have been quite curious to know if, besides all my other skills, I am also able to love. I have some suspicious that it is an integral part of defining one's purpose. If I marry now, I may never know."

His father didn't seem impressed by the words and retorted, " True love comes after a strong sealing. You have no reason to show indecisiveness or the immaturity of those street wanderers who don't know where and what to look for, losing their self-respect eventually."

Ludwig felt an anger rising inside his chest, threatening to break his inner defences and take over, ruining his cool demeanour. While he could still keep it under control, the young man spoke, with his voice steady, " Father, I want to remind you that I never overlooked any of my duties towards my family, for any reason or...any person. And I will never do. And those that you consider as 'ammunition' may one day prove to be weapons of destruction, people who wish to control this family and gain wider influence over the island. And, none of them...will ever see _me_."

He had no intentions of waiting his father's reaction, or even seeing his probable, reproachful look. It wouldn't help. As he turned to leave the room, to escape from the possibility of revealing a side of himself that he couldn't face and from losing the comforting sense of still having control over the situation, he heard his father whispering something to his mother.

" Ludwig?" Ann called him before he disappears. Ludwig remained still and his mother continued in her usual, sensitive tone, her words coming straight from her heart, it was not a dictation from the father as the son expected at first, " Even if the others and those around you cannot see all that you are, you must not forget who you are and what road you are meant to take."


	6. Chapter 6

Wavering

" Did Naoji tell you he is thinking to return to Japan?"

" It's been some time since I heard him saying that. Then I realized it was a possibility that he had not excluded." Orpherus answered calmly, without removing his focus from the book he had been studying in the school library.

" What? When did this happen?"

" It was during Ludwig's tea party, when he invited us to his house. Naoji and I were out that moment."

Eduard looked at his friend persistently, having forgotten his own book and showing more interest about the conversation he was hoping to start. Orphe leaned back on his chair and a serious, thoughtful shade fell upon his eyes. Ed was worried for a moment that maybe his classmate was displeased with his insistence, but nothing like this became shown afterwards. Orpherus was simply trying to recall that time more clearly.

" I didn't say anything in particular to him. I just... smiled."

Ed placed a hand on Orphe's shoulder and began unrolling his thoughts. " It's not a good idea for Naoji to leave. Not even he himself can predict what he will find once he gets back. The world has become dangerous and staying in a safe place is the primary necessity for building one's dreams. At least I want to encourage him to remain in Kuchen. What do you think, Orphe, is it alright if he goes to his country?"

The dedicated Strahl closed his book and said, " I merely smiled because I wasn't sure what to say without the fear of making him feel like I am rejecting him. I know that Naoji feels strange at my presence and I didn't feel comfortable enough to react and tell him openly what I was thinking. No, Ed, neither I wish him to leave. In addition, I would like to collaborate with him in the future."

" You know, I told Naoji that he should stay at least until June. It is likely that he may reconsider his decision till then. Oh, and something else; His birthday will be in five days. He should spend this day with friends so I suggest that we prepare a small feast. It might help him feel less depressed and ease his mind even for a while."

" I agree. It makes me wonder though why he needs to leave now, so urgently. It's not like he cannot distinguish himself here."

Ed leaned forward to the table, suddenly looking agitated, almost nervous. " It can difficult when feelings get in the way. And then you need to figure how you can protect the person you care for, from them... it's hard and sometimes you are tempted by the choice of withdrawal but, of course, it never suffices." He explained to Orphe, while his eyes were fixed on another direction inside the large library room, as if he had noticed or watched someone.

But to whom could Ed be referring?

A soft, flowery fragrance distracted Orpherus' senses and once he turned to Ed to ask him about what he said earlier, he forgot completely the question as soon as he eyed at the girl who had stood close to his friend's side and seemed like she had come from an undefinable direction.

Her whole presence was shinning... there was something unique about this person. Orpherus felt a powerful pull towards her, it was like an unprocessed, inner calling such as the urge to paint a difficult theme.

It wasn't only her appearance. All of a sudden, being so close to that person, his heart whispered to him that she was different.

" Good evening, Ed." The girl said warmly and without waiting for a response, she looked at Orphe and her expression changed subtly, becoming tinged with shyness and awe. " I am glad to see you... Orpherus."

The impressed Strahl wanted to reply likewise but he felt that he shouldn't hurry and also noticed, despite his enthusiasm, that the girl's attention was centered on Ed, at least for the moment.

" Hello Erika. It's been some time since the last time we met. Are you well?" Ed talked to her.

" Of course. The last few days I have been thoroughly dedicated to the completion of a paper, important for this semester and I need to give it soon. I am really trying to achieve a good result." There was exhaustion in her voice but her smile returned as she showed to Ed, the book she was holding, " Thank you for lending me this one, I found many information on the traditional music of the wandering people but I won't be able to finish the book quickly, considering my present schedule."

"Please, keep it." Eduard asserted with an unexpectedly serious tone. " I don't use it so you can have it for as much time as you need. Besides, I feel it's in good hands and therefore I am not worried."

Erika seemed a bit hesitant but as she cast a quick glance at Orphe, his bright expression gave her some courage, " Okay then." She said softly and then added, " Ed, if it's not trouble, I would like to hear again that folk song you were playing the other day... I can't explain it but it means a lot to me and gives me confidence... about the future."

" It's no trouble at all. Tell me when you have time so we can arrange it. But until then I want you to take care of yourself."

" Yes. Thank you."

Ed and Erika had become more acquainted with each other several weeks ago and a specific musical piece that the Strahl had played on the piano seemed to have formed a peculiar link between them...

" It might be her... and yet I cannot avoid the fear that my hopes may be wrong again." Ed muttered to himself after Erika left the library.

Orpherus was surprised but understood immediately what his friend was thinking. " You mean you have found any similarities or a connection with this person that prove she is the one you have been seeking?"

Ed shook his head, lowering his gaze. He didn't really want to involve his best friend into the situation, because he was worried that it would probably remind him of his own sister and make him feel depressed. Orphe seemed like he had read his thought and said, " It's because I had Robertine that I can imagine how you might feel about it. Although I was younger and perhaps less wise than her, I remember that regardless of it, I have always wanted to be the one who would look after her. And I believe this has to be one of the most unconditional types of love you can feel for someone."

Ed appreciated that his companion didn't want him to feel uncomfortable, " That's why I will never give up searching. Reuniting with her is a chance I am not going to push aside."

" There is a right time for everything." Orphe said as they were about to exit the library.

" And when does it come?"

" When all the necessary prerequisites about the person who is hoping for it have matured enough to welcome it. This is what I have been taught from my experiences, though I believe that sometimes, it can be tough."

XxX

Two beams of white light were spreading their brightness over the dark, narrow path in the woods as the motor-car ascended the twisting road in steady speed... it was obvious that the specific area was not illuminated sufficiently, rendering the passage a bit dangerous during night.

The driver touched the gear lever, ready to decrease speed but in the end, he decided to bring his hand back to the steering wheel. He considered himself careful and prudent in driving, so he thought there was no actual reason for more precaution.

Almost from the moment he departed, the man was feeling the earnest need to check the time from the watch lying on the nearby seat... probably it was an unconvenient habit that he preferred to carry it with his other belongings than to wear it around his wrist. In any case, he didn't want to divert his attention from the road, mainly because he hurried to arrive at his destination even though he avoided to fathom the real cause of it.

When the lights of the central square became visible and Ludwig realized that he was close to the school, he became uncertain of whether he should feel less tense or not. But he was going to find out soon.

Within a few minutes, he reached Rosenstolz's front entrance, easily finding an appropriate place to park his vehicle. At last, he could now check the time. Half past nine. He came before the closure of gates but it wasn't what really concerned him the most. He left the watch and stared at the bouquet of fresh flowers placed next to him, unconsciously folding his arms on his chest, as he usually did when something bothered his mind. His eyes flicked at the rear-view mirror and Ludwig quickly identified the sign of weariness on his expression. Without anymore delay, he stopped the engine and then gathered the bouquet and the suitcase from the backseat, exiting the car. Beyond tiredness, the man noticed that he didn't lack abstraction as well, which forced him to turn around and went back to the car, as he realized that he had forgotten the watch. " _Carelessness..._" He thought to himself and later headed directly to his room, not encountering anyone of his classmates along the way. Once he entered, he lighted the small lamp on the bedside table, creating a relaxing atmosphere in the soft, dim light... this was enough to lure the recall of the conversation with his father but Ludwig locked it away from his conscience. While sitting at the edge of the bed, he brought the suitcase closer and after opening it, his hand frantically searched for something specific but it stopped as the possessor regretted his sudden need and remained still, staring occasionally at the lamp or the floor.

" _It would be a mistake if he said that in my heart I knew from the start that our love for each other was condemned to fail. It's not true. Even during my most desperate moments... I was expecting for a miracle. That is so foolish, viewing it from the perspective of logic. But maybe, I still do expect. It must be because I don't want to... forget_."

Ludwig was so immersed in thought he did not see that the small crevice of the unlocked door had spread. But he was able to hear the familiar clear, deep voice, echoing louder and being more affecting than all the thoughts that visited him previously...

" You came."

Their eyes met in the half-darkness and no one moved for a few seconds as if they wanted to sense each other's presence first, the feelings, even the brief surprise mixed with a momentary joy.

Naoji slowly approached when Ludwig extended his hand with the palm facing upwards to his direction. Once the hands touched, Ludwig gently and silently urged the visitor to have a sit next to him and then showed him the flowers, seeking the words that could form the wish properly and in such a way that it wouldn't sound unnatural... but it turned out to be more difficult to compose it than he thought. Naoji easily sensed his lover's awkwardness and pulled him closer, circling his arms around Ludwig's shoulders. It was exactly one of these spontaneous, kind embraces that occurred when the two were alone and the receiver quite liked them as they were never planned in advance and were often unexpected.

" You remembered my birthday. And you also brought the flowers I love." Naoji said quietly near his partner's ear while the fingers of his right hand were tangling with the thick locks of hair of the person next to him. Ludwig was touched by the feeling of Naoji's closeness and his unspoken need for affection but tried not to show it.

" It's nothing." He simply replied. " I appreciate it because you have always been attentive to this sort of things." Naoji whispered and placed a kiss on his hair before he pulled away. Ludwig remained silent for a moment and then he spoke again, " Since I didn't manage to make this day special for you, I hope that other people did." Naoji nodded, still looking at his flowers, " Our friends kept me company. And it was quite a surprise that they decided to prepare a party for me." He said with a chuckle. " If you enjoyed yourself, then it's fine." The man uttered huskily. Naoji's expression changed, becoming more serious and searched for eye contact while Ludwig gazed away blankly.

Naoji didn't hesitate to speak as he was sure that his thoughtful partner was listening, " I didn't stop thinking of you, not even for an instant." " For what reason? Were you trying to give yourself more pain?" Ludwig uttered wearily but there was an underlying strict tone. " No. I missed you, Lui." The man explained quietly. " I still do." Ludwig looked down at the refined hand that rested on his. It was so light and seemed to radiate affection. " Naoji, how a careful person like you, made such a mistake, to want me that much? You expected from a heart with so many failings, like mine, to save yours and now... you can witness the result."

As soon as he heard this, Naoji craved desperately to capture Ludwig in his arms and kiss him so hard, until their lips bled, until he could convince him that their love could endure anything and that Ludwig was able to drink in all he needed from it, without getting hurt or harmed in any way because Naoji would make sure that nothing bad would ever happen to him. He managed to restrain himself merely with the thought that he wasn't aware of the things that preceded during the time that Ludwig was with his family and what kind of decision he made or... was forced to make. He thought that he should try to ask, " Is... everything alright with your parents?" Ludwig closed his eyes and remained so quiet for a few moments that even his breathing couldn't be heard. " Listen, Naoji. Instead of asking about me, I believe it would better and more proper to tell me if there is anything I can still do for you, even now. As far as I know it's not past midnight which means, it's still your day." Naoji stood up and this time he sat across Ludwig. The lamplight was gleaming fully upon his face. " I only want to be with you." " Would you still continue that fight?" Ludwig asked in a mysterious tone, keeping his voice very down. His partner smiled assuredly in response which prompted the other Strahl to say afterwards, " You want your soul to be shattered by emotion. If I give in completely and offer you again what you know that I still have for you, I will become more guilty. You will be broken because of my passion." Naoji shook his head and looked into Ludwig's eyes seriously, while his voice remained steady and confident, " Lui... it's not your love that is going to break me."

There was something about his words that awoke the uninhibited sincerity of Ludwig's feelings. Naoji hardly realised how, within a split second, his companion stood up and pulled him into a fierce embrace. The receiver gasped in sheer relief rather than surprise once he was captured by the arms he had missed so much and felt a pair of desirable lips pressing the pulse beat on his neck. Naoji could feel the temperature of his body rising and droplets of sweat rolling down his spine while Ludwig touched and teased his skin with such need- now free from the bonds of restraint- that he didn't know where to start, or how long to keep a touch on each spot he concentrated.

This didn't disconcert Naoji at all, who knew that it would only take a few more moments before Ludwig recalled how it felt like following his body without the pressure or restrictions of the mind. Naoji touched his lover's face lightly and reassuringly, inviting him to kiss him on the lips. Ludwig responded intensely and greedily at first but then he was able to attune his passion with Naoji's, allowing more interaction and soon their kiss became more pleasant and gentle. In that way, Ludwig took his time to sense all that couldn't be expressed in words, through the touch of the person with whom he was still in love. It was a clear form of communication without talk and an understanding that escaped every kind of typical codes and gestures. However, Ludwig was also aware that the line drawn by him so that no one would have to endure a longer anguish, was carelessly crossed and with such easiness that he didn't know at that moment how he was supposed to feel, what could be considered as more rational- triumphant or trapped. Perhaps it was late to decide about it, as he had surprisingly found himself almost in a delirious state. " What are we doing... you should..." Ludwig attempted to protest when he felt that his lover was about to seek more- which was actually a mutual wish- underneath their clothes, without their clothes, but his strong mind no longer held the reins of his decisions. Naoji wrapped his arms around his partner with gentleness and looked deeply into his eyes, asking silently to trust him, to share the most exceptional experience of their closeness.

Ludwig's expression softened, " Instead of trying to break free and spare yourself from..."

" Shh..." Naoji hushed the worried words, and leaned in to kiss Ludwig again softly. Then he said, " I am wondering if there is space for one wonderful moment like this to exist and be remembered in the flow of our lives."

" Not for just one. But for too many." He answered, lowering his eyes in thought.

" Will you still love me then?"

Ludwig placed his hand lightly on Naoji's chest, feeling the heartbeat. " Your question is... unsuccessful because it would be arrogant to define a beginning and an end to what I don't dare even to utter right now."

Naoji's face became aglow with marvel and emotion, " In that case, you may use one of my words- _Ai._"


	7. Chapter 7

Wavering

What dream could be hiding behind his closed eyelids? Was it a pleasing afterimage of their nightly intercourse or a relaxing break of deep slumber without particular patterns? His serene face alone wouldn't reveal the answer. Whatever the occasion was, Ludwig was sure that when Naoji awoke and the time for either dream or peace ended, he was going to wish he had never opened his eyes, because the magic he worked so devotedly, would gradually decrease in power. Night was a warm ally but the first light of morning was breaking the secret ties. However the words and remnants of memorable sensations than managed to get into Ludwig's heart, all of these, they wouldn't be lost. He leaned carefully over Naoji's side, almost as if he was suddenly motivated to shield him from the soft, clear light coming from the window, even for a very short while. The tips of his fingers caressed smoothly the untied hair as though they needed to gather one more bit of the sensation that Ludwig experienced with Naoji a few hours earlier. After that, he withdrew to his own side of the bed but after a while he abandoned it, enfolding himself in a long, dark robe. He sincerely wished for a cup full of warm tea prepared by Naoji but his need wasn't so desperate to force his companion out of his inner world.

" _Let's try something else._" Without making any noise, Ludwig searched the cupboard located close to his library, looking for a specific item and after he confirmed it was there, he opened his suitcase and took hold of a packet. This one had also tempted him the previous night, just a moment before Naoji's entrance but now he didn't mind to yield. Cigarettes, fire and an ashtray were what he needed for the moment. He half-opened the window and sat nearby, staring at the smoke moving in the air. " _Yes, Camus is right; Naoji knows what he wants, while I am weighing the possibilities. There will be a point in which I will have to mark an end... it will either mean to destroy or be destroyed. And I know, my interest for Naoji will not allow him to remain unharmed._" Ludwig was sure; if his father became totally aware of the type of relationship he had built with Naoji, the older man wouldn't have the slightest compunction to act at the expense of Naoji's life and cover up the attempt with every mean possible, all these so that nothing would distract his son from the request of the family. " _Would it be infeasible to find a dividing line?_" His eyes narrowed slightly as he asked himself in silence. Then he heard the rustle of sheets and blanket and realised that his partner was awakening.

Naoji saw that Ludwig wasn't lying beside him and sat up a little, supporting himself on one elbow and letting his eyes search for his companion... he appeared completely absorbed in thought. " I think we will be able to have tea before class." Ludwig stubbed out the cigarette and looked towards the source of the voice. " Thanks." He replied huskily. Each recognized the other's need to talk and then Naoji got up and began to get dressed. Before he left to prepare the tea, he stopped behind his lover and nearly outstretched his arm to touch him on the shoulder but halted the move halfway eventually under the influence of a hesitation that he couldn't explain and went outside.

When Naoji returned, bringing their favourite drink, he found that Ludwig had lighted another cigarette keeping it steady between his fingers... " It is said that people tend to smoke when they are embittered or feel troubled." The Japanese Strahl commented as he placed the tray on the table. " Don't believe everything you hear." Ludwig answered faintly, watching the two cups being filled with tea. After Naoji sat down, he continued, " I am sure that some use this controversial trend -citing all its probable consequences- as a trick to divert our attention and interest from what is actually crucial; the depravity of the world and the possibility of a war." The last word of the sentence sounded so grave that Naoji frowned slightly, feeling a little uneasy.

" The tea you made is wonderful... like our night. You have a gift for creating beauty." Ludwig observed after taking the first sip. There was a nostalgic tone in his voice. " I was able because you were there. I am always inspired by you." Naoji confessed promptly. The other man stubbed the second cigarette and remained silent for a while, gazing outside the window. " The environment is cold but your hands, your words, your heart are constantly warm. This is both your strength and your weakness, Naoji."

The listener was about to speak but Ludwig stopped him, seizing his hand gently showing in this way that he should hear more, " I have feelings of love for you. I may attempted to convince you that I no longer did only to allow you to distance yourself from me but the plan didn't work. The truth of this relationship is larger than any lie I can invent." He made a small pause and then said, " That's exactly why I am obliged to tell you that we cannot be together. I am not going to give you false hope."

Naoji didn't appear to be shaken yet and answered, " If you still love me, which is all I need to know, I will not allow anyone or anything come between us. I will fight and not leave you."

" You must not do this."

" It's not really your decision, is it, Lui?"

Ludwig leaned back, drawing his hand away from Naoji's. " I have full responsibility to this. That means it is also my choice and fault. Even if I refused this marriage, it doesn't mean I wouldn't have to face the same again."

" Why...? Who can control you or judge you with the power and education you already possess?" Ludwig didn't grant him a particular answer which made Naoji add, " Please, do not do anything you will regret afterwards."

The listener placed his cup down after a long sip. " It's not all about me. Can you understand that you won't be safe if you remain with me?"

" I myself can worry about that." Naoji stated decisively. " An easy life is not what interests me. It never did. I am able bear the difficulties if I know there is a meaning."

" Futile." Ludwig murmured to himself very quietly with the sadness grazing his face. " How many injuries must you sustain to find meaning in a futile struggle?"


	8. Chapter 8

Wavering

There was only one thing that Orpherus appeared to be willing to occupy himself with during that afternoon and that was thinking of Erika.

How much time did pass like this? He was sitting at his desk, staring at the blank sheet of paper lying on the smooth, wooden surface along with a set of pencils, all waiting for their master to start some outline... "_ It's not the ideas that don't come but my mood which doesn't give me the energy to remain focused on a single subject to work on._" Indeed, his whole concentration was directed to that person he was hoping to know better.

He took the last sip of his tea and rose from the desk. It may wasn't the appropriate moment to search for Erika but nevertheless he felt that he should do something in the meantime, not just sit in one place. He eventually decided to go to the kitchen of the buiding and prepare his evening meal himself. Just then, a knock on the door signaled the arrival of someone who had come to visit him. It was Eduard.

" I was wondering what were you doing. How come you didn't show up earlier?" Orphe said as he invited his friend in, closing the door behind.

" Well, you had locked yourself in all day so I thought you had been studying and I didn't want to intrude."

" I was trying but to no avail." The man admitted seriously. " Still, do you have any plans for this afternoon?"

" That's what I came to tell you about..." Ed had that look and tone of voice that Orphe knew he ought to pay close attention to him. " Erika urgently asked to see me today and the last time we talked she seemed like she wanted to tell me something but found it very hard to express herself."

" Do you think that she might suspect the families ties you share?"

Ed closed his eyes and nodded. " Even if she does, I can't help but feel concerned, together with the feeling of hapiness. At least I, Orphe, am now sure that Erika is my sister. I have my proof. On the other hand, as I have already told you, it is my first priority to secure her safety, keep her away from danger, whatever could that mean."

" Yes, I can understand well what you are talking about." Orphe assured him.

Eduard was silent for a moment and as he glanced towards the desk, something quickly caught his attention there... he approached and fingers carefully seized a sheet of paper. He studied it, smiling. " You sure have a skill at observation and remembering people's faces." It was a neatly depicted portrait of the person who inspired so much interest and enthusiasm in Orphe's heart. The author's gaze was filled with warmth as he realised what his friend was looking.

" It's clear to me, you know." The active Strahl commented, placing the paper back where he found it. " You both shine wholly whenever you see each other. This _has_ to mean something, mm?"

" Ed."

" No need to feel shy. I think it would be nice if you two arranged a date, go out and talk... I see that Erika is special for you so you don't need to let chances slip by only because you are waiting to see what will happen with our situation."

" I honestly thank you for saying this, Ed. It's true that I feel love for her and I also do need to protect her." There was a sense of pain in each word spoken that made Ed become totally convinced that his friend nurtured deep feelings for Erika, maybe for a longer time that he had initially imagined.

" Now, since you are going to meet Erika as you said, I would like you go. Do not let her wait." Orphe said quietly.

Eduard left, possibly without knowing that his best friend was feeling much better that they had talked about the person who occupied the attention of both, each for different reasons.

xXx

Naoji raised his bow, adjusting it to its proper position and slowly pulled the string. The sound of the bow's edges, as the chord was reaching the point from which the arrow would be fuelled with the necessary energy to traverse the air, sounded unusually loud to the practitioner's ears, almost synchronized with the beating of his heart.

This particular time, he felt his body and mind being completely overwhelmed by severe tenacity in the centre of the smallest circle of the target.

The warrior never had been obsessed with perfect performance before, it wasn't his purpose of practicing archery. It was the art that allowed him, more than any of his other interests, to balance thinking so that he would open paths of solution to his personal concerns and act later with a clear mind. This was also his motivation before he began his training, but as he held the bow and his eyes darted at the target, his mind blurred and violent emotions possessed it, as if he was struggling against the sensations and impressions caused by the experience of a vivid nightmare during sleep.

None of the three preceding arrows struck the difficult point that Naoji had set. The first one was relatively close while the two others had pierced the exterior circle. " _Control your breathing._" He instructed himself, but even after when two minutes had passed, he still didn't feel ready at all to shoot. " _You know what you have to do, you have improved in this._" Naoji attempted to urge the coordination of his limbs to the fullest, but on that instant, his confidence was covered by a cloud of doubt and frustration which let the arrow slip through the grip of his strong fingers, like a beast that could no longer be tamed because of his master's uncertainty, even though it was only for very few moments.

The arrow rushed with incredible momentum towards the target but it did not even touch the outer borders of the largest circle. Its sharp edge struck a random point on the wooden board upon which the target was set.

An unsuccessful blow such as this had happened again in the past and he remembered that he had smiled, concluding that he wasn't as focused as he thought he was. But now he was most frustrated, as if he had lost the key to the only path and escape from a situation which was becoming more and more difficult to be reversed.

Naoji lowered the bow and started gathering the arrows as well as the rest of the equipment. While he was busy with that, his thoughts were returning to the recent conversations he had with Ludwig, wondering if he had said something wrong... no, he couldn't find any. He had even made the decision of not leaving Kuchen if Ludwig intended not to lose him. This love was above all else for Naoji as had the solid notion that he wouldn't ever in his life come across to the chance of creating such a bond with another person. " _It is likely that I am going to know what the outcome will be by the end of this semester, near our graduation... Lui will have to give his answer to his family soon, shouldn't he?_"

" Tomorrow again." He muttered as he locked his equipment inside the available storing place nearby. As he turned around, he lifted his eyes up to the sky... the daylight hadn't faded completely, spring was really so beautiful, letting day to last longer and her nights were mild, yet easily stirred the fantasies, tempting the hearts and bodies to grasp their wishes.

" _I wonder... has the hanami started earlier this year?_" Naoji closed his eyes and tried to compose the image of the blooming cherry trees in his imagination. He would always think how trully majestic, yet fragile, these blossoms were and how soon they became one with the wind, breaking in its embrace... could that be the fate of the love he harboured in his soul, so reviving but prone to the winds of influences?

Naoji wouldn't let himself answer this now. The last few days, he had organised a busy program of training, study and writing to distract his attention from Ludwig and distance himself, as much as it was possible, from the emotional wavering. He had decided to allow Ludwig to do whatever he thought it was right, to give him time and space, expecting that his partner would eventually take the initiative. It wasn't easy for Naoji, but he felt that it had to be that way as he was inspired by a quote he had once read somewhere; if you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. This quote continued in a way that Naoji attempted to deny... how did the author know if all the cases and circumstances were all so similar to fall under one conclusion?

He felt more comfortable with the image of cherry blossoms, it was always so clear in his mind. Really, was it possible that these flowers knew, before they were born, that their time was limited and in spite of that, they bloomed? Could love be this way? Or, within their time futility they sought the conquest of eternity, through beauty and the happiness of people who gazed at them?

xXx

There was a quiet mobility inside the school laboratory as the members of the science club conducted their research, studying the results of their assigned experiments.

Ludwig was sure he had spent more hours there than he had originally planned, not only because he had finished a paper which was supposed to take one week to get completed, but it was also his excessive need for tea, an indication that he had transcended the medium levels of deprivation. He put the materials and tools he had used back in order and gathered his textbook and other relevant papers. "_ Naoji and I had barely seen each other and talked the last couple of days... I want his presence beside me but I would rather not bother him if my words won't make him feel better... and the reason of this difficulty must be Naoji's persistance to fight even what is not visible to him, denying his own personal consequences of his defeat._"

The shadowed obstacle that still remained unknown to Naoji, was the request of Ludwig's father to his son. It was more than an agreement of marriage promoting alliance; it was a protection to Kuchen, a shield against the challenge of a skirmish or a widespread war that threatened the unprepared island.

As he was mounting some stairs, he encountered a clerk of the school secretariate who had come to inform him that he had received a phone call from his family. " Are you able to go to the office this moment?" Ludwig nodded, " I am."

The clerk showed the student a smaller room within the office where he could talk in privacy and closed the door. Without bothering to take a sit, Ludwig picked up the receiver and returned the call. Hearing his father's voice suddenly made him feel tense, the same kind of tension he experienced when he _had_ to compete against someone and prove that he was better. Somehow, in general, Ludwig never felt comfortable talking with Philip.

" I see... I understand your point, but I also need to let you know that my schedule is already too heavy and I am forced to set priorities... no, I will make sure to arrange to come this week when I won't have too many obligations..." Ludwig used a seat as he was listening his father, without interrupting him for a while. " Thank you for your consideration, that's really something I didn't expect to hear..." There was a very subtle tone of irony in Ludwig's voice as he said these words. " No, most of them are currently busy but I will see if anyone's interested... yes, we will talk again soon... good night."

His stare lingered at the device for a long moment after he put down the receiver, but then he abruptly turned around to leave and thanked the clerk for informing him about the call.

Ludwig resumed his way upstairs and headed to Naoji's room. He knocked on the door, without realizing he was actually holding his breathing. When his partner opened, he noticed the presence of a moist glint in his eyes, a sign that tears had preceded there.

" Lui." He said softly, gazing at his face. " I didn't make tea this afternoon. Do you want some now?" He added a little more hurrily.

Ludwig made a gesture as if showing this could wait. Naoji coaxed him to get inside and adjusted his oil lamp so it would bring more light to room.

" I know I shouldn't be doing this."

" Don't say that. You are always welcome here."

" That is not what I meant." Ludwig stated solemnly, as he remained close the entrance. " Naoji, I don't know how this will sound to you but I received a call from my father who requested to see me... and I wanted to ask; Would you like to accompany me?"


	9. Chapter 9

A note for my readers: Thanks for your patience. The completion of this chapter would had been achieved sooner if... Ludwig did not demand that I should do some changes in bits and parts of his lines and re-check some scenes ^_^ . Actually, it happens sometimes that I plan a sort of general outline for the chapter or a particular behaviour-reaction in the dialogue while writing down my ideas on the paper and then I see that the characters are not eager - or even refuse - to support it and prefer to deviate. Which means, they have their own potential and I really try to measure it with respect in every chapter I write.

Wavering

"_ Does he know I still love him? And why am I so desperate to show him since it's going to hurt him more?_"

Ludwig moved his head in slight, short nods as though he was actively listening to an intense conversation. In fact, there was a kind of real conversation going on and it was taking place inside his head, with him and his thoughts as interlocutors.

He found that the way he felt about personal matters was so contradictory at times that made him wonder if there was any room for balance; Naoji was sitting right next to him and while they were physically close, Ludwig suspected that their spirits did not; Naoji's mind seemed distant, roaming through places and reflections that would remain unknown to him.

As long as he didn't do something about it, of course.

A soft sigh escaped his lips and then he stated calmly, " No law dictates that one should always drive a car in absolute silence. So, if you have something to say, I am more than willing to hear."

" I left you alone for some time, didn't I?" Naoji admitted affectionately. " It's just that I felt carried away by the scenes of landscapes we pass by... I think you are fortunate each time you are intending to return to your house."

" I don't know. The truth is that I have traversed this road so many times that almost nothing about the surroundings can really impress me anymore. I also have the notion that the distance keeps getting smaller and smaller... like two hours of trip condensed into very few minutes." While the vehicle was ascending a short route, the humming sound of the engine deepened as an indication that Ludwig had to change gear. " Really, that reminds me of a theory claiming that there is an alteration of how an individual experiences the essence of time as a child and later as an adult."

" I believe it's true. But it can also be reversed if one decides to reconsider and re-examine what they have taken for granted or overlooked."

" Hm. Now that you mention it, I remember there was a time in my life when several things seemed terrifically new to me." Ludwig spoke quietly, offering a quick but intense glance at Naoji. He frowned as he continued, " However, I cannot pretend that I have forgotten any dark event that became a part of me with or without my consent or personal fault."

Naoji contemplated carefully upon the words that his partner used, while staring at his reflection on the wing-mirror. " You mean... a traumatic experience?"

" It doesn't matter now." His gloved hands tightened around the steering wheel and the grip loosened only when Ludwig got persuaded that Naoji had no intentions of pressing him to go on with the topic. He needed to continue talking with him, but the threat of their conversation veering towards sensitive corners and creating an untimely dispute, was a circumstance that he wanted to avoid for now.

" Mm, this is so wonderful." Naoji whispered in his native language, suddenly captivated by something he had seen outside. Ludwig didn't have to know the exact translation of the phrase to suspect its meaning. His partner's voice was expressive enough to reveal the surprise and awe, but he was also curious to know the factor that had caused this. " Naoji, what is it?" He asked. He couldn't turn to check on his own at the moment, because he was busy with driving. " Wait. Let me guess... the lake?"

" Yes, I had no idea such beauty existed here."

Ludwig smirked discreetly. " I think you wouldn't object if we made a short stop nearby."

" It's really up to you."

" Do not worry, I needed the break anyway." He explained and turned the car to a path that leaded out of the main route and closer to a hillside from which it was possible to have a view over the lake. The car stopped there.

Ludwig closed his eyes as he leaned back more comfortably... he could realise the true quietness of the place now that the engine had ceased murmuring. In the meantime, Naoji had already gone out and made sure to open the door from his companion's side. " Normally, I should have done that for you since I am your chauffeur." The sharp emphasis the man put on some words made the polite Strahl smile in amusement before he moved away.

Ludwig found himself wanting to reach out and kiss that smile but his limbs wouldn't obey to carry out the according action. Perhaps he was more tired than he had thought or simply the power of rational thinking prevented the impulses that could later complicate matters for both of them.

" _How much time is left before all the doors are closed? Unknown. At least for now._" The fight with uncertainty was at a draw and maybe that was a good reason to abandon his hideout and follow Naoji who had walked a few steps down the hillside and he was gazing at the lake. The clear surface was reflecting the shadow of the mountains on the other side.

" It has always been a purpose in my life to help my soul be like this lake; vast and stable." Naoji spoke when he sensed that Ludwig was close enough to listen.

" Haven't you achieved that yet?" His fellow Strahl asked and it seemed that from the moment he came he was more interested at the sight of Naoji than the scenery.

" Maybe I did... with the use of some help."

" I have to inform you though that this particular lake is not a good example to compare the depths of your soul with." Ludwig stated in a stern tone.

" Why do you say that?"

" I would feel so evil to show you and explain, but you might notice it yourself if you observe the lake closely."

Naoji stood nearer to him, as though it would be easier to discern what Ludwig was able to see. However he couldn't find anything wrong.

" It is not very visible from this far point in which we stood. Try to concentrate your gaze on the outline, where water and earth touch each other. Doesn't it look like the water has retreated towards the center?"

" Is this... water famine?"

" That's what they said at first. But the region was later examined by topographers who reported that after an earthquake that occurred many years ago, a fissure was created at the bottom. It was estimated that with the passage of time the extend of this lake will shrink, if not disappear."

" Even so, I wouldn't reject it; I can still relate myself to that lake." The Japanese Strahl said with confidence, turning to look at his partner. Ludwig observed every subtle line of Naoji's face to see if he could distinguish a possible, silent continuation to his phrase there. It wasn't very hard for him to tell, but the surge of inexplicable fear that suddenly clawed his mind, became violent for a moment.

" No. Don't allow anything or anyone to consume you."

" Lui."

" I see it; you are not going to listen to me this time, are you?"

Naoji shook his head and then he pointed out, " It's not because of the reason you may be assuming."

" I am not assuming anything." The despotic man assured him. He looked at the lake again. " Well, whenever you feel ready, we shall return back to the car."

" Alright, let's go."

They would continue their trip to Ludwig's home. Even there, in the presence of his parents, could Naoji believe in his paradise, to this love that seemed to be above any law? Was Ludwig the integral part of a chain, forged by the unquestioning unity of the family, that could be considered forbidden to be broken by an outsider?

As they reached the vehicle, Naoji was overtaken by a desperate notion, making him estimate that the only way to prove to himself and the person beside him who had hiding so many words out of fear, though he once freed them from his heart, that they _should_ be together, would be seizing him and forcing him decisively to the back sit, trapping Ludwig's body under his to undress him and do what could explain better and clearer than any of their sentences, how things were between them. However he didn't put that raw impulse into action, probably because his fellow Strahl was already staring at him, with one eyebrow raised; it was likely that he was trying to understand why Naoji became motionless while also thinking " I may not know what is on your mind now, but, be sure that I am going to find out soon".

" You should stay exactly where you are. I suppose you will give me the chance to behave like a proper chauffeur, allowing me to open the door for you this time."

Naoji blinked sceptically at the open entrance and then fixed his gaze below Ludwig's eyes for a short moment, challenging the man to subconsciously lean closer, giving Naoji the opportunity to take in the warm scent of his cologne. The sensation was so familiar to him, so known, he thought he wouldn't ever want to be separated from it, because if he did, it would mean they would no longer be together or so near to each other.

Naoji finally submitted to self-restraint and went inside the car. His partner shut the door before entering the vehicle himself, though he did not showed signs that he was in a rush to start the engine.

" I must ask you this... could you imagine what reason prompted me to suggest you coming along with me?"

The receiver appeared ready for the question. " You knew this is what I wanted. And also, what would please me."

Without any uneasiness or harshness in his voice, the other Strahl spoke again, " It wasn't too difficult to understand what you have been thinking previously... you are not giving up of seeking a way to keep me with you, to have me, not only for now..."

" Are you not?"

" It doesn't matter, because-"

" Why does it _never_ matters how you feel, Lui? Who made you believe that?"

Ludwig was startled and seemed to become uncomfortable. He avoided eye contact with the persistent Strahl, staring at his gloved hands, " What I have told you so far, is the only truth you need to elaborate." He spoke quietly. " But..." He tried to continue, yet silence impeded the words.

" This heart doesn't want to be unlocked." Naoji responded gently. " But still, there are some things that couldn't remain hidden from me... so I have an inkling of what lies inside."

" Someone... who knows..." Ludwig mumbled to himself, as if trying to decipher an additional content in the meaning of the words. He didn't flinch, nor he he moved away when his lover rested his head on his shoulder, placing one arm around his neck. " You are so warm." It was all he could add in a whisper, a sigh, harbouring both need and remorse, as he was supporting the elbow of the arm that had surrounded him.

After hearing the words, Naoji withdrew slowly and looked at his companion. " Lui, we should be going now." He said, unconsciously resting one hand on the other man's thigh. Although his voice had the usual calmness, he almost seemed to urge Ludwig who appeared to be listening in haze, feeling a little confused at that instant.

" If we don't know what lies in the road ahead of us, how we will see if the destination we are aiming, or hoping for, is within our reach?" Naoji explained.

His message was understood by Ludwig; really, he wondered, how must he had felt when he said that?

" So, that means... I have your consent to move past this place and moment."

" You do."


	10. Chapter 10

Please write a review after you read. I am going to need some feedback.

Wavering

" Let's switch on the lights."

It was clear. Each word was a short-term battle against periods of silence filled with Ludwig's efforts to contemplate, to forget and to compose plans that probably wouldn't appear to be of any use.

Upon hearing this particular phrase, Naoji opened his eyes. It must had been the sound of Ludwig's voice, the vague hue of hidden unrest in it that got mixed with the lulling sense of warmth he was experiencing, as he had settled himself close to his partner for a while. He turned a little and looked outside the window... he was sure he had missed a part of the trip. The sky had quietened in brightness, and it was also the fluid change of how light and shadow were balancing upon the scenery that the Japanese male did not notice earlier. Although the colours and shades around them were becoming different, the young man was also able to recall and identify their current location. They were about to arrive _there_.

Naoji drew apart from Ludwig, returning back to his own place. As he stared in front of him, he noticed the shinny traces of white light that increased the range of visibility on the road and made him realise what his companion meant when he spoke a moment ago.

" Are you feeling well? I hope you are not too tired." Ludwig said in a low tone, actuated by the fact that Naoji had nestled his body so near to his previously; Really he couldn't understand why he found it more convenient to think that it was an act of tiredness rather than a show of affection.

" No, not all. I am fine." The man said somewhat hurriedly.

" It didn't bother me. You kept me warm while you were here."

Naoji tried to evade the impact of his last words, ignoring the impression of how strange they sounded, how...

" Are you cold now?"

" A little."

Naoji gazed at him thoughtfully after the answer and then took Ludwig's coat from the back sit where it was lying, " Although spring has come, her nights have not recovered completely from winter's harshness." He commented as Ludwig leaned forward a little while he was driving so Naoji could at least cover his partner's back with the coat. His movements were attentive and kind as he placed the long hair aside so it would not become entangled with the garment.

" _Naoji._" A glimpse of that beautiful face and those eyes filled with profound mystery and gentleness reminded Ludwig of the reasons that possessed the potential to urge him to deny everything- all that existed a few more miles ahead of him and even the guilt of his story, so that he wouldn't have to offer a tough fate to all the prized feelings and the love that still belonged to him.

A passing glint of fury shone on Ludwig's eyes for an instant, but nothing else about him betrayed his emotional state. What mattered at the moment was to finish the rest of the distance, to go to the end where the thread of another beginning would be lying there, for him. And for Naoji.

It nearly felt as if only a bead of time had passed between this thought and the stopping of the car at the parking lot of the manor.

" Are you ready?"

" Yes. Let's go take our luggage."

The statement was followed by an absolute quietness, seeming so uncanny and unusual to both of them. Ludwig did not open the door immediately and Naoji was still. He noticed that the windscreen was slightly blurry from the humidity of the night.

" I don't know..." The voice was so faint, but within that silence it was easy for Naoji, not only to hear every word clearly but also to perceive, with some instinctive knowledge, what bothered the man next to him.

" I am keeping my eyes on you. You are not alone." The response came out naturally from his lips. They turned to look at each other at the same time, unhurriedly, without constraint, like two nocturnal creatures that communicate in the shadows.

" What a torture must this be for you, Naoji. But I am already guilty, am I not?"

His companion swallowed slowly, preparing his next words. " If you say that again, I will be angered." Although the Japanese man made sure his voice was gentle, the tension in each part of the sentence was clear and almost threatening.

Ludwig continued to gaze calmly into his lover's eyes, blinking only when he heard the last word. And he did not remove his focus from him when Naoji lifted one hand to touch his face softly and then leaned forward with the serious intention to seek his mouth.

The kiss was slow, fierce and heated from the beginning. The essence of love was not missing, it was there, mixed together with a sweetened lust. Ludwig's senses were encircled into the shared declaration of their real desire, he couldn't question it, not now, not this instant. He responded with deep, true passion, his arms fully surrounding his partner's body with care, not breaking the kiss in the meantime. Naoji murmured some words pleasurably against his partner's lips and though they were in Japanese -a language which seemed to the listener that its very sounds harboured all the mysteries of one important truth- they gave room to imagination, and a strong sensation of the feeling they carried.

The sensation filled them with longing, physical and emotional, but rational consciousness guided them to soften and thereby end their touch.

" What I said, it's..." Naoji was ready to explain the words, as he tended to use his first language sometimes, unintentionally, when he was deeply affected by emotion.

" Don't let me know." His lover interrupted him. " As always, I prefer to imagine the meaning behind these strong, flowing sounds."

Naoji slightly shook his head. " Fine. I am not going to deprive you of that freedom then."

They exited the car in silence and while Ludwig was about to protest about Naoji's willingness to carry both of their suitcases on his own, something distracted his attention and he stood still, his eyes examining a specific spot.

" Lui, what is it? " Naoji asked a bit later, looking behind him as he didn't notice immediately that his companion had not moved too far from the car yet. Instead of receiving a quick answer, he saw Ludwig proceeding back to the entrance of the path from which they entered, but before Naoji could decide what to do or call him again, the man returned. He assumed that Ludwig probably wanted to check something, but he didn't bother asking what it was since the man did not seem worried or interested to talk about it.

" Don't carry all that weight." Naoji heard his fellow Strahl saying and for one moment his mind initially produced a deeper interpretation from those words in contrast to the evident, plain one, as he next saw Ludwig's hand moving to seize one suitcase away from his grasp.

The enormous, majestic house, the incredibly high ceiling with the heavy chandeliers hanging from it and its whole colourful, luxuriant atmosphere somehow, in some inexplicable, strange and diabolic way made Naoji feel like a trapped animal, repressed and completely incongruous as if the mere furniture around him could discern the desires in his heart and body, like they knew this guest was keeping a terrific secret.

Naoji mentally admonished himself for losing control over his thoughts and tried to regain his inner composure. " _It's a great, admirable house. The place where Lui passed most of his life._" He centered his attention on him, to feel more peaceful.

" Ah, master Ludwig, how come you didn't use the front entrance? Forgive me, I would have helped you much quicker if I knew earlier." A male servant who seemed to appear out of nowhere hurried to provide them any service he could. Ludwig made a gesture with his hand like he wanted to show that there was no need to become anxious.

The man spoke they walked the main corridor. " So, was Raymond able to pick you up from school?"

" I didn't call him, we came with my own vehicle. As we speak of it, was our chauffeur going to leave the manor today for any reason?"

" Yes, he left this morning due to some personal issue but he will be here by tomorrow, I believe."

" That's strange... If it wasn't him, then who closed the gate of the parking lot? I don't recall doing that myself after we arrived."

Naoji turned abruptly towards his fellow Strahl, in surprise, waiting in silence what else he was going to hear. Perhaps this incident didn't mean anything and though Ludwig sounded apathetic as he spoke, a specific suspicion had already crept in Naoji's mind like a serpent...

" You want me to go check the place, master?"

" No. It's not necessary."

The house assistant leaded them to the dining room where Ludwig's mother waited for her guests. Naoji felt the hand of his partner against his back, pushing him gently next to his side, so they could enter and be seen at the same moment. " Don't stay behind me." Ludwig urged him in a low whisper, leaning closer to speak.

The door opened, revealing the sight of a woman sitting in an armchair, gazing thoughtfully outside the window. As she turned her head and her eyes met with those of the two visitors, she brightened up.

" Have you been well, mother?" The son talked first.

" I am very pleased now that you have come home." Ann said, smiling at her child. " Ah, Ludwig... you seem to have grown taller."

" Hm? No, I haven't changed since the last time you saw me."

Naoji felt his heart lightening as he observed them... mother and son seemed to be close and the woman's presence still radiated that calming warmth, the kind that showed clearly how approachable and humane she truly was.

" Now, mother, see whom I have brought with me." Ludwig suggested in his usual tone.

" Naoji." Ann spoke with contentment. " I was hoping that you would visit the house again."

" It is a joy and an honour to be able to meet you. Thank you for receiving me." The man responded, bowing in respect.

" Where is father?" Ludwig asked, folding his arms on his chest. The line of his eyebrows indicated a slight displeasure.

" In his office." The mother said in a lower tone, observing her son's face for a moment like she was attempting to read his feelings. " But he told me he would join us for dinner so, we can wait for him. I don't think this will take long. You may sit if you like."

Naoji hesitated, feeling that maybe it was improper to take a seat at the table before the duke's arrival. " I think we should wait. It's no problem." He uttered discreetly to Ludwig who did not reply and suddenly seemed completely indifferent, as if the situation did not concern him. Naoji noticed that his companion had a similar reaction sometimes when Orpherus was stating his own beliefs during class, which happened not to always be in harmony with Ludwig's. Naoji wasn't sure if his partner stopped listening on a certain point or he preferred to remain silent and passive so he could contemplate some sort of answer, preparing the ground for further debate later.

Naoji turned to look at the window... clouds had gathered around the half-moon as if they had come to form a nest for its brightness. Hearing his companion sighing for a short moment, made him change the centre of attention and he was suddenly given the impression that Ludwig and his mother were a little tense for some reason that had eluded him. Then...

" Philip."

The expecting member of the meeting had just arrived, observing the awaiting ones as he stood at the door for a few seconds. " I see the whole family has gathered here already."

Ludwig arched an eyebrow curiously as he noted an odd emphasis on how his father pronounced the word family. The son decided though it was not time to observe but to act. He stepped forward and addressed his parent, " Father, if I recall well, you haven't made a personal acquaintance with any of my schoolmates in the Strahl class till now. This is Naoji Ishizuki."

" Mm-hm... a schoolmate, right?" Philip commented, as though to himself, as he shook hands with the younger male, but again, Ludwig sensed a peculiar tone of subtle mischief in his father's words.

" Nice to meet you, sir." The duke's handshake was confident and firm, giving Naoji a first good impression.

" I have heard good things about you from my wife Ann." He added, not mentioning or questioning anything about Naoji's origin or lineage like many people in Kuchen used to do when they contacted him for the first time.

" Well, shall we have our dinner now?" The duke suggested, making a small gesture towards the table. Ann was ready to notify someone that they were ready to accept the meals but her husband anticipated her. " No need to go anywhere. I have already requested to bring the dishes before I come here."

" Oh, you did?" Ludwig muttered, giving him a quick look, without waiting to hear a further reply.

Philip used the seat at the edge of the rectangular table facing Ann on the other side while Ludwig and Naoji sat across each other, though the two of them hardly exchanged glances during the short time when the food was being served.

" So, Ludwig, how come you didn't bring the rest of your friends with you, like the other time?" The father asked, trying to lock his gaze with his son's.

" Did you need them anything?"

" No, I am only asking."

" Orpherus and Eduard seemed both occupied with a matter involving a female student they know. It is a situation which I currently don't consider important to me, but I feel that they wouldn't leave it to join me instead. As for Camus, it is evident that he feels more independent and doesn't need to be with me all the time, he has made friends with other people with whom they are on good terms."

" I am so glad to hear that about Camus." Ann said.

" And Naoji was the only one free, when I called you I suppose."

Ludwig picked his fork and knife, focusing his attention on cutting carefully a piece of meat in his plate. " Actually, " He began to speak while doing that, " Naoji was the only one I could tolerate, no, accept as company during that time."

" I see." Philip commented as he lifted his glass to take a long sip of his wine while leisurely casting his gaze on each of the two Strahl. Naoji felt trapped between that unshakable gaze and Ludwig's serious frown on his face that followed after these words. The son raised raised his head only for a moment to look at his father, but he did not say anything.

" Those meals are very tasteful. And the wine, delights the senses. We should rejoice in the present but also be ready to face a future full with responsibilities and probably much less bliss than this."

" _Could that be a reference to the instability occurring in the neighbouring nations of Kuchen? Surely, someone of his status must be very informed and have a greater view of matters regarding the balances of Europe._" Naoji thought after listening to Philip's short speech.

" Ludwig."

" Yes, father."

" After we finish our dinner, I would like to talk to you. In person."


	11. Chapter 11

Thank you for your messages.

Wavering

" Ludwig."

" Yes, father."

" After we finish our dinner, I would like to talk to you. In person."

There was a maliciously triumphant tinge of accomplishment colouring each single word in the phrase, as Ludwig noted, nearly to a point of sounding illogical and foolishly empty, like a meaningless warning.

No, not meaningless. And perhaps, it wasn't really a warning. It sounded more like a neutral message, something to be expected. Besides, hadn't he come here because his father had requested it and so they could discuss a serious matter?

In different circumstances, the younger man might have found the way this sentence was expressed, slightly amusing, but the uneasy feeling that continued to claw his chest and the fact that he couldn't help but remain in a watchful state from the time he left the car, wouldn't allow a smirk that easily or even a plain, comfortable nod.

Naoji saw no specific, immediate reaction on Ludwig's part; Was he calculating what he was going to say or something else was happening? Since the duke had addressed Ludwig, Naoji had no reason to reserve himself from gazing directly at his fellow Strahl, there was no need of an excuse, thus finding his chance to examine his partner's face better, but mostly, to provide any kind of support he could manage, if Ludwig searched for it.

Slender fingers stretched out to grasp a piece of bread calmly, located close to the center of the table. Seeing that move, and though it lasted only a few seconds, Naoji unconsciously moved his own free hand, letting it slide towards the same direction, towards _him_, imperceptibly, so nobody actually noticed it, but its course was stopped as it stumbled upon the folded towel close to the plate.

He was suddenly very concerned about Ludwig. What other interpretation could be produced regarding the prompt impulse to reach out to him like this?

" _I don't want to lose him from my sight. Not even for a minute. Who can distance Ludwig from me after all that we have shared and done together?_" The viciousness in the stubborn thought that flashed in Naoji's mind, almost gave him a pleasuring feeling, like a strong drug that numbs the nerves. Although he never seriously attempted to measure the validity of his intuition and while he had adopted to a certain degree Ludwig's preference of approaching matters with a sense of logic, Naoji couldn't reject an inner signal that _something_ he considered and called as his **own**, something _important_, was threatened to be taken away from him.

He stared away, in no specific spot. " _Lui, it's not like I don't know what people would say... And, it's not as if it never crossed my mind even during our most intimate moments. But..._"

" Naoji?"

It wasn't probably the first time Ludwig had seen that dark, inwardly furious gleam on his fellow Strahl's face. Then he understood, he remembered how Naoji asserted to him that he wouldn't give up without a fight and if he felt that the circumstances allowed it, he wouldn't stay inactive. He would talk. And stand his ground. Of course, that decisiveness would certainly have a price that only Ludwig seemed to acknowledge its gravity. Of course he had cautioned Naoji, but the man's feelings were too strong to let himself become affected by any warning. Ludwig had to use another means to ease the load from his partner's mind.

To his contentment, that unusual expression disappeared when Naoji turned to face him again. " I have a favour to ask." He began speaking, glancing both at Naoji and Ann. " Could you spend some time together while I will be busy discussing with father? I just have to secure that the evening will go on nicely for those who still have that privilege."

" Sure, Ludwig. If Naoji wishes it as well..."

" I do. I will be glad to share time with you." Naoji replied kindly.

" Fine." The son concluded and then turned to Philip. " Father, of course we will talk. In addition..." He casted a look at the almost half-filled glass of wine Naoji was holding in his hand on that instant. " I was recently told by someone important that in order to see if one's destination is possible, it is necessary to move forward."

" Words of responsibility are always pleasing to hear."

It was not difficult for Ann to discern her husband's weariness in his few words and long periods of silence, or to understand that his mind was pressed with thoughts about the matters of the country. There was also something else about the man that did not elude her observation. That distant, harsh tension in his gaze and the stern line on his lips, two characteristics which often emerged during older times, before Ludwig's entrance in Rosenstolz and presaged one very specific thing; The man's intention to reprove either her or her son, or both of them for a reason which was no one's fault, especially not Ludwig's. Whether it was about achieving great success in education or displaying proper social conduct according to his own standards, Philip had always had strict demands for Ludwig and wouldn't accept the slightest lapse. Ann never approved, knowing how hard and how much effort their son put in each subject taken and the few times he did not meet father's expectations, then, there was no way he would overlook it...

An alarming feeling had risen in her heart but she managed not to show any traces. Ann preferred to remain behind her silence, so she could observe the signs closely and be ready to anticipate any kind of problem, in case it appeared...

" _I wonder what plans Ludwig might have made already about the future..." _The duchess thought to herself secretly after the dinner had ended. It was time that the two members of her family went to talk in privacy.

" Naoji, I expect you can forgive me for depriving you of your favourite companionship." The guest was not given the necessary time to think and answer to that statement as Philip had already exited the room and headed somewhere else.

Ludwig had not gone yet and before his leaving, he turned to say something to Naoji. " Even when you are not keeping your eyes on me, I know you are there." His voice was serious and the words were spoken without rush. " And you, mother. You are a fine flower amidst the desert. But you must not let yourself understand what that means because, if you do, you will wither."

" Ludwig, what happened and now you give these... divinations?" The mother asked perplexedly.

" I wouldn't call them divinations. Just thoughts." Her son explained. " Besides, it is father who enjoys to think that he knows the future better than anyone else." After he finished, Ludwig left them to join his father to begin a new conversation.

**In the piano room...**

It was a quiet, well-lit place with a comforting atmosphere. The long, white curtains that covered the windows seemed to boost the pleasant light coming from a warm-coloured chandelier, like a stroke of brightness creating an intense contrast with the impressive, dark volume of the musical instrument there.

" Ludwig really likes to frequent this room, especially when he wants to spend his time in reading."

" I see. Well, since he does, I already feel comfortable here." Naoji commented calmly. He had managed to relax somehow, which was probably the result of being away from Philip's presence that started to fill him with awe and a strange, small impression of insecurity. He couldn't explain it thoroughly. However, a large part of the Japanese Strahl's conscience was with Ludwig, sincerely wondering and caring about his probable thoughts, what sort of situation he had to face and more importantly, how hurt, angry or anxious he might was. "_But_... _Lui is strong... I have to put my trust in that right now, exactly as he did when he trusted that I would accompany him till this point. But I will await for my chance to do more when I will be called to, even if I have to face my fears._"

Naoji waited for Ann to choose her seat first. He imagined that she would prefer the single armchair but she made herself comfortable in the couch, also showing to the guest that he was welcome to be seated next to her. The young man smiled and nodded positively. " Hm, I am trying to guess if Lui also enjoys performing on the piano besides reading. Unfortunately, I haven't heard him playing but I know he is very well-informed on most classical authors and their works." He said in a pleasant tone, making a clear effort to cover any sign of his previous thoughts. He wouldn't want to disappoint Ann in any way, though he suspected she may had realised the worry in his heart.

" He plays occasionally, giving me the impression that he prefers to occupy himself with music only when he thinks nobody is there to listen..."

Naoji shook his head. " Lui guards his feelings very tightly, I believe."

" That... yes, is true." Ann added. It seemed that Naoji's very sentence made her submerge into her own, similar reflections. " However, Ludwig was once really happy and extrovert as a child. It was his father's strictness and character that later made him lose his faith in close relationships with the people around him, preferring the company of himself instead. I am at fault too, because I wasn't strong enough to protect him during crises as much as he needed it. I am endlessly proud of my son, but I am also aware that I should have done too much more for him."

The mother's agony was apparent in her speech, but like Ludwig, she tried to keep the feeling in check, not allowing it to be revealed in its true form and intensity.

" I cannot know if that eases you, but Lui told me that you have always tried to understand him and give him comfort. And I am sure it's true because, by being with him, it was not difficult to discern how gentle and sensible he is." Naoji explained easily.

" I thank you for telling me. This is important and makes me realize something just now." She said and then rose, " If he showed you that side so clearly, then, that means you are special... Indeed very special to him."

The man was silent, feeling his heart beating very fast. It wasn't only the impact of the repeated word and the combination with the others that formed a short, completed message... It was also how Naoji interpreted it, the meaning it held to him and the guilty knowledge that Ann wouldn't have known the slight difference on how he perceived the word _special_ compared to what she may had thought. Really, was there any way that Ludwig's mother could know and understand the adoration, the deep feeling he held for her son? Or - to the outer world - this earnest, honest view was nothing but a sick, filthy misdeed?

Before he could decide about the answer, his attention was caught by the image of Ann dedicatedly searching for something at a nearby bookshelf. Her hand extracted a pocket size book. It was also a note, or something else that Naoji couldn't define yet, which was revealed from within the book's pages.

" This is the book and a photo that Ludwig left here at home, the last time he came..." Naoji recognized the book, it regarded an in-depth theoretical approach on politics that his fellow Strahl would often study it. He also recalled that indeed, Ludwig was keeping a photo portraying them, but Naoji had no idea that he liked carrying it with him.

" I was going to give them to him myself, but now that you are here, please return these to him."

" Sure." Naoji assured as he received the two items. Somehow, he found no uneasiness in himself; just a longing to share with someone how much he felt about the most special person he had met since he arrived in Kuchen and how he changed his life, but that wish would probably be destined to stay unfulfilled.

Ann sat again next to her guest, " I saw that you wrote a note on the back side of the picture. A message that only Ludwig knows because this was your wish from the beginning, if I may assume." [1]

Naoji lowered his eyes and his gaze fell on the the woman's hand... it was pale, but very firm-looking, exactly like her son's.

" That is correct..." He quietly whispered. He knew. There was no ally for support, someone who was aware of the secret feelings. In this fight, there were solely himself and Ludwig. " Forgive me," He said to the duchess. " This concerns only _him, _that's why, it is my intention not to say..." The coherence of thoughts suddenly tangled, or maybe it was his mind, suddenly becoming blank, filled only with the clear image of Ludwig showing him the lake before they come. "...Not to say, how this feels." He eventually completed his phrase, not sure if it was the proper continuation.

" Ludwig has been through a lot for years. If you gave him room to breath, and offered him acceptance, he will treasure you always. However, granted that his past weighs heavily upon him, there is a shadow side even in this; Losing any fine feeling he gets from you, - I fear - it may affect him in a way which might not be reversed."

Note [1] : Reference about the photo can be found at the beginning of chapter 5.


	12. Chapter 12

Wavering

**Towards the office...**

This was always happening, it was like an ineluctable coercion enacted by his father since the beginning of his childhood years, continuing to stand until now that he was a young adult; Obeisance to the head of the family. Although the pressing sense of his father's authority did no longer affect him like it used to, the traces of that feeling were not removed, reminding the taciturn Strahl that growing in age and forgetfulness of an unhappy past, do not always come together.

He noted that his throat was dry. Somehow, the image of Naoji's half-empty glass of wine appeared in his thoughts, though he wasn't even sure if his companion had ended his drink after they left the dining room.

A quick feeling of relief encircled him when a smooth sound like murmur unexpectedly infiltrated his consciousness... Drops of water falling upon the window. It was raining.

" Ludwig." His father distracted him. His voice sounded stiff and solid like unbreakable steel. " You didn't station your vehicle in a good point. Raymond may find it difficult to enter and park his own when he comes back."

As a reaction to this, Ludwig halted his pace halfway to the door of the office located at the right side of the relatively narrow corridor. Philip sensed him stopping and he turned around; There was an undefinable query in his eyes, not revealing at all what sort of assumptions or questions he had been planning inside his head. Because of that, Ludwig did not waste time trying to guess and maintained his apathetic exterior attitude as he moved to the formation of his reply.

" If that's the case, he can use the second entrance. And, father, since your observation is so sharp perhaps you could have pointed that out to me when I was still there, before or after you proceeded closing the gate. Wasn't it you?"

Philip averted his eyes without rush as he slipped his hand inside the pocket of his dark blue coat and drew out a silver watch sparkling excessively under the light of a lamp. He checked the time with particular interest, not proceeding to respond to the question immediately.

Ludwig frowned as he waited for his father to unlock the door. The office was apparently renovated but it was impossible for the younger man to study the new details while he felt Philip's presence behind him, imposing his mind with an almost magnetic power.

" So, are you not intending to give me an answer?" Ludwig pressed in a neutral tone, not showing impatience or anxiety.

The door creaked loudly as Philip closed it with a comparative momentum. " Listen to me well, Ludwig." He began to speak intensely as he let go of the doorknob. " What I _don't_ intend, is to overlook your foolish behaviour. I saw what you did... And there is no time for such nonsense, nor it suits someone of your status. You must focus; Your Strahl comrades are potential adversaries towards your rise to power, not prospective liaisons! I require to know what led you to this stupidity."

" Even if I told you, would you try to understand?" The son retorted, raising his voice a bit more than he used to, almost in complaint. " At any rate, it was me who sought to claim it. Not him."

Philip walked steadily past his son and headed to his desk. His expression glowed with admonition and perspicacity.

" _You _sought to claim it?" The father asked brushing his chin briefly.

" Yes."

" I doubt that very much. I paid close attention on how Naoji was looking at you from time to time during the meal. And it is quite obvious that you have strongly influenced this boy." His eyes narrowed as he carefully coloured his next words, " There was despair, amorousness, even slight jealousy mixed with depressed anger. It didn't shock me. I know negative feelings naturally emerge when one's interest is misled or in unequal terms. I presume that you have enchanted him, intentionally or not, and this circumstance has complimented your ego to a point of being prompted to give Naoji illicit hope." Philip concluded with complacence. " Am I wrong?"

The Strahl came nearer to him, without using the seat yet so their eye contact would be on the same level. " _I_ started it. Everything. Naoji is not at fault." Ludwig had to petrify his emotions, " I became enamoured with Naoji. I don't remember exactly when it happened. He..." The duke patiently waited to hear the rest. " Despite the impression we both have given, Naoji actually tolerates this tendency I have. What you saw us doing, was nothing but an attempt to persuade him change his mind about me."

Ludwig wouldn't be so pleased with his lies if he didn't believe that his father was capable of dispatching any component considered as a menace to the family's integrity.

It was his plan to receive the blame, he had no fear of that. Even if his father had rejected his behaviour, it was impossible to reject his son; Ludwig was the only child of the family, the sole heir (1). Many times he wondered if he could use this as a means to do something for the relationship he cared for, but he couldn't find an open route.

Philip didn't seem to refuse what his son told him and looked quite convinced and surprised. " A clearly flawed passion does not become a sterling personality. You have no need of this sort of pursuits and I advise you to overcome it as soon as possible. Your future and your responsibility are far more greater than a lowly temptation which is going to force you stray from your path. This is not acceptable. Make sure to always keep your eyes open."

Ludwig hated some scattered words here and there that insidiously abused the bond he appreciated. Even if it was really his fault for giving both to himself and Naoji hope, the burden was becoming heavy.

" It shall be resolved, but I don't want you to interfere. And I would be grateful if we closed this topic to proceed to the actual matter for which you asked me to come."

The duke responded with a weighty "hmm" which probably implied that he was willing to leave the subject there and finally sat down. Following his move, Ludwig chose the armchair on the other side of the desk and leaned back.

" I received some documents." Philip began to speak, " Their existence and full content are known to me and your uncle, King Lehert, who is also the author of them. The situation described in those papers requires our outmost attention and was trusted only to me, till now."

" It sounds like a great honour. However, do you believe it's possible that the King had not informed his team of Strahl? They are said to possess the skill to handle such issues and plan wise actions approved by him. Or is there something else we don't know?"

Philip smiled, " I see you 're trying to examine things thoroughly, even at the beginning. Your uncle loyally follows the path of righteousness and dignity, just like he has done for years. He doesn't hide anything from us. The truth is, that he counts a lot on you and expects that you won't disappoint. The King is well-informed on your process in school and is particularly pleased. I guess you can already consider yourself a member of the royal council."

" So, your suggestion is that he wished to show his contentment by allowing me to be the first to know about these documents, before anyone of his Strahl?" The younger man asked in a sceptic manner.

" Here, check them yourself." His father ordered, handing the folder to him. Some documents were in manuscript, written by the King's calligraphic letters while others were done with the use of a typewriter. All were marked by the King's seal, proving their authenticity. Ludwig used to observe these details before moving on to the main text...

" This wasn't completely unknown to me. Germany's mobilization, in all its various forms, is something real and cannot be ignored especially by those who attentively watch the events abroad." He laid some papers on the table and continued speaking, while looking at his father. " What I consider as more troubling is the underestimate and tolerance of the neighbouring countries, including ours, towards these actions. As if they have consciously blindfolded themselves, submissively waiting to bear what their instinct is telling them. There is no purpose petting the beast when it has grown large."

" Europe is keeping a vigilant eye on these developments. It remains preferable to be cautious than aggressive, in each step taken, word or action. The repeat of inhumanity must be avoided at any cost."

" It feels strange to hear that from you. Do you really believe this can happen?"

" You must also read the rest to have a clearer view."

Ludwig did not particularly trusted the sense of premonition. On the other hand, he hadn't rejected the small probability of its existence and this alone was enough to make him feel unprepared for what he was going to read...

His father watched him discreetly, not spotting any sign on his face that showed anxiety.

The events written in those pages were described intelligibly, not allowing room for doubt. Germany was actively reacting to the economical pressure set by the Treaty of Versailles, moving on to procedures to retrieve lost self-esteem, rebuild her identity and rise from the ashes of War, whereas in ways that appeared suspicious. After continuous exhortations, Germany succeeded in annexing Austria, a neighbouring nation that seemed to desire the maintenance of autonomy, but the resistance failed or was either withdrawn in exchange of other advantages or due to weakness. For the state of Kuchen, this could be proven an extreme misfortune because Austria was a brother country, a considerable ally and they had developed good association.

The kingdom of Kuchen counted a lot on that country's independence but the new turn had clearly brought a sense of insecurity and frustration. However, it wasn't exactly Austria's pledge for support that bothered King Lehert...

The serious issue began with Germany's strategic decision to unite all German-speaking nations and thus rendering them allies and parts of one whole. Austria obviously belonged to that list. And anyone would suspect that Kuchen was going to be next.

" This policy is quite cunning. Although it looks harmless, it can lead to very dangerous paths..." Ludwig observed solemnly and then looked at his father, hiding any emotion from him. " I would have liked to object to your opinion that Kuchen will not be able to maintain neutrality but, under these conditions... I can't. Freedom shall be lost. We will be under their regime's supervision. Like you said, this country's best option is to side with another force. And you suggested England."

Outside, the rain had grown heavier, cleansing the atmosphere but not the hovering threat.

" Sooner or later, if things get worse, Europe will have no choice but to make a stand. England is the strongest force and despite what the neighbouring countries are assuming about us, we have to build an alliance with the probable rival of Germany. Our connection with Admiral Edgar Hopkins awaits to be sealed. Our families _must_ relate so the defence of Kuchen can be strengthened. We need them as much as they do."

After listening to the duke, the Strahl let a long silence to intervene. The lamplight flickered under a peal of thunder.

" Father, are you absolutely certain that allying with the Germans wouldn't prove to be to our advantage?"

" Don't ask questions when you already know the answers." Philip looked at the empty fireplace. " But I want to know, do you hesitate because your likely wife, the Admiral's daughter, is not from Kuchen?"

"Believe me, that's the least that could ever concern me."

/ / Note (1): According to the profile information on Meine Liebe data book, Ludwig has two brothers. We never see them in anime/manga/game version, so I did not include them in the story and Ludwig is presented as the single child of the family.

Annexation of Austria (in 1938) and Pan-Germanism movement are actual, historical events. / /


	13. Chapter 13

Wavering

/ Ludwig's pov /

`` It is said that if you unveil all the authentic aspects of yourself, especially those you keep hidden, the others will accept you wholeheartedly because unadulterated truth, not stained with secrets, is what they supposedly seek.

What happens if that kind of genuineness can make some of them feel like they have no control or power over you? Could you ever trust their strength to endure what they see and think?

Acceptance is a struggle, so it becomes easier to reject.

I have thought of the consequences so many times that it doesn't feel so tough anymore; And so deeply, that the loneliness that would follow seems like a shelter to me and my prohibited hope...

There is a pile of rules, conditions and ethical dilemmas that stand in the way. Who can move my own obstacles, besides me? Nobody. This is my concern. It is not the resposibility that bends me, or the chances that disappear; I know, every decision has a price. What drains me is that I cannot make things better, even a bit more bearable, for the one I care.

No matter what I say or do either cleverly or not, you will leave, you will return back... It appears like everything will go to the beginning, to the starting point, just like ourselves in some way. You will leave, even if I pleaded you not to. And my reasons aren't all personal. I worry about you, perhaps more than I do about me. The times we live in are difficult, merciless, strange. The world is looking for an end and a beginning in methods that can be harmful, especially towards those who are not directly at fault.

I want _you _beside me... But how can I keep you, even if I possessed you by force, when I myself, is captured by the bounds of my duties? In the end, is that wish larger than me and more than I can take?

No, I won't search for excuses there. I won you with my worth, with all that I am... And now I lose you.

It's subtle, but what appears to remain with me is hope. And I really cannot tear it out from me, as though it's inseparably connected with my survival instict. This notion brings some comfort, yet it's potentially unpredictable. I don't fear it. It won't kill me. I think it's going to become oxygen, to help me live with the _absence_...´´

/ /

Naoji glanced impatiently at the wall clock, under the dim light. Considerable time had passed since he separated himself from Ann after their conversation was finished. He was in the guest room now, waiting for Ludwig.

Propelled by a sudden motivation and obeying his body without query, he stood up and headed to the exit... His eyes easily adjusted to the dark before proceeding to cross the corridor with sure steps. Once he reached the stairs that leaded to the lower floor, the faint light of an oil lamp or candle encouraged him to go down. It was then that it became clear to him that he was searching for his partner.

The door of the front room laid half-closed. Naoji remained motionless for a minute, not attempting to peer inside and listened closely, to check if he could detect any audible sign or voice. The rhythmic noise of raindrops upon glass sounded unnaturally discernible, as if the place was empty of any presence, besides the whispers of the rain.

The man's estimation proved to be wrong because Ludwig was there, sitting on a couch near the balcony window... He also noticed that it was particularly dark outside and the outdoors lamps at the garden appeared as a blurry image.

" Lui." The utterance induced a slight bodily reflex to the receiver but no other reaction followed. The Japanese Strahl did not demand a quick, reassuring answer. He came near and knelt by his partner's side... Moments like this were not too unusual to the couple; Ludwig preferred to keep his emotions inside, clad in silence, especially when these stressed him. Their gazes finally locked when the person who was there earlier felt Naoji's touch gripping his wrist as though he was about to drag him from that place and take him away, under the cover of weather, so they could be somewhere else without restrictions.

" You seem tired... Should we talk later?"

His partner averted his eyes. " Go upstairs." He replied swiftly, with no force in his voice.

" No. I will wait." The other man affirmed.

" It would be unwise if both of us stayed longer; The privacy here is limited." Ludwig commented. " Just give me a moment, Naoji."

The guest room seemed more vacant than before and cold, even though the heat coming from the fireplace was not missing. Naoji thought that the sense was possibly inward, as a result of becoming gradually informed about the nature of Ludwig's meeting with the duke as well as the sight of him struggling not to show any traces of sorrow.

" Are you so willing to offer such a vital part of yourself? Do you consent?"

" I am sure you know how it feels to let others decide what direction you ought to take... You were in my place once. And in the end, you accepted your father's wish to send you to an overseas school in a far country."

" That comparison... is unjust." Naoji's retort was laboured, yet the answer was said with confidence.

A flash of distress appeared briefly on Ludwig's face. " Whatever it is, I won't complain if you accuse me."

" That wouldn't be my intention."

Ludwig approached his partner, speaking quietly. " You tolerate my unkindness."

Naoji was silent for a moment, staring at the glaring fireplace. It was possibly the sight of fire that kindled his courage to say, without fear, what he had been thinking...

" Come with me in Japan." The man proposed collectedly. " I will teach you everything; The language, the customs... People like you can excel everywhere and my country appreciates charisma, knowledge and ethics such as the ones you possess."

The listener found himself delighting the extreme offer and it wasn't because of the obvious compliment. He thought again how honest and open Naoji had been with him, earnestly showing how much their relationship mattered to his life. The conclusion was both relishing and painful. The impossibility held cruelty, while the imagery of a potential future brought a sense of freedom, though it couldn't last long.

" It's not the country, neither the language, the people or even the distance, that stops me. It's the reason that lies with me, the available choices I have along with the price each of them carries."

" And the personal cost for coming with me is much heavier than staying where you are?"

" ...Given the current condition I must face, yes."

" I see. If only that last, positive word was for me... Do I sound selfish now?"

" No, Naoji. You don't."

" It's strange... I am not sure whether I should feel like I have lost or that I still keep your love and maybe a place in your future."

" You own much more than I can admit right now. You know. You always knew."

/ /

/ Naoji's pov /

`` Lui, if you can live without me, if that's how it must be, then I will brave it. In any event, you have become a permanent part of who I am. And I know that I have affected yourself as much. So if it's written by fate and while there is the smallest hope for a more auspicious era and the circumstances ever present a chance for us, hopefully before transcending to another life... I shall seek you again. Like the first time.´´


End file.
